Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Waiting on God?

Recently, I've been listening to the Steve Harvey (in the a.m.) and Michael Baisden (in the p.m.) radio shows. And both just happened to talk on the same topic on the same day--Christian women waiting on God for a man. Well, both said they think Christian women are foolish for waiting on God to send a mate. This attitude really rubs me the wrong way. OK, wait..wait..let me explain. I don't totally disagree with them, because they made good points. They both said that the reason women can't find a suitable mate is because of the vibe she's sending. MMMmm. the vibe. I really have to admit that I cringe when I hear a woman say, "I'm waiting on God to send me a man". Yes, it's good to wait on God, but what are you doing while you wait? Because what you're doing (or not doing) causes Steve and Michael to say, 'Christian women are just sitting by waiting on God to send a man and it just don't happen that way.'
The first reason I'm chaffed is because I'm convinced that nothing happens by chance. God is control of everything. He knows our needs, our wants, and our desires. Women tend to either sit idly by waiting on God to drop a man from the sky, or go to the other extreme-- chasing everything that wears trousers, turning over every rock, looking behind every bush, and shaking every tree hoping to hit the 'man jackpot'. And hit it before girlfriends and cousin 'nem do. I really feel sorry for both parties. Women are lost, trying to find what she's not meant to, because Scripture says: He who finds a wife finds a good thing (Proverbs 18:22). And then the poor man is often caught unawares. Imagine, an unsuspecting brother visiting a new church on Sunday, looking to get his praise on. He steps into the church lobby and all of a sudden he's bombarded with a 'sea of overabundance'--the over-abundance of bountiful breast-ta-sees and well rounded bootys dressed in shiny, sequined, low-cut, see thru, too tight clothes. It's a shame to see normally sweet, reserved sisters-- upon the sight of an unattached male visitor-- turn into 'stalker women', winking, smiling, flirting, and downright macking right there in church in front of God, the pastor, and the mother board. These women think just because he walked up in church, 'this must be a good man.' They don't know diddly about where the brother's been, what he's been through or what issues the brother's dealing with--and they really don't care--they just want a man-- by any and all means necessary.
My best advice is this. Chillax, spend some time in prayer AND wait to hear from God. Pray without ceasing! Invite God to be your Husband. Love on Him. Bless Him. Worship and give Him praise. And He will give you peace. He'll calm your fears. He'll open doors for you and pour out blessings that you won't have room to receive. God's in the blessing business and He knows where you are. It's really just that simple. Wait on God. But, while you're waiting, go to work. Get yourself together. Work on your finances, work on your relationship with God, your relationship with others, and work on loving yourself. So pray, wait, work, and then get involved. Get busy in your local church. Volunteer in your community. Get a social life-- go out to dinner, to the movies, and get-togethers with family, friends and co-workers. Because God won't magically place a man at your doorstep, but you might meet him at the mall. God won't drop a man in your lap, but you might meet a good-looking man while at a gathering with friends. God won't draw you a map highlighted with 'you'll find him right here' and drop it down on your dining room table, but you might meet someone special while in line at the dry cleaners. Get the point? Be found working, being social, and living life to the fullest. Take good care of yourself--dress up and put on your make-up, like you already have a man. Do it for yourself! Keep a standing appointment with your hairdresser, get your nails and your toes did, and wax that unwanted hair. Let him find you with your sh*t together. Be a beauty queen before you meet him, that way he'll know what he's to maintain. (And the same goes for the man you meet---don't take on a man as a project that you have to fix up...but that's another blog entry...mmm...I need to get to that!!! LOL)
So to Steve and Michael, I agree with you to a certain extent, brothers. But I counter with this...she'd better wait on God! Because working in self or listening to friends is dangerous. Many a misguided woman has been through plenty of avoidable heartache and pain in the form of a man who is a compulsive gambler, a womanizer, an abuser, or even a killer. A woman's biggest mistake is not allowing God to speak to her about His plans for her life.
And to women who think waiting on God is all there is to do--I counter with this. Don't put life on hold because you don't have a man. Cultivate some interests and get involved. There's sports, politics, religion, travel, the arts, education and many other things to keep one occupied. Become a well-rounded woman. Make sure your conversations aren't limited because all you know is your job, church, television, and the latest gossip. And just remember, if God made a promise to you concerning a mate, then He will see it through. Because who God has for you, is for you.

Friday, December 26, 2008

In Rememberance

Well. it's official. Christmas 2008 has come to a close. Now comes reflection time. Many choose to take time between Christmas and New Year's to reflect upon the past year and set dreams into action for the coming year. Before things move too fast, I want to take this time to acknowledge those who've gone on before me that have touched my life in some way. These people have shaped me into the person I am today. They've loved me, nurtured me, pinched my cheeks, and dare I say, some have changed my diapers, and a couple of them, I've changed diapers for. I thank God for their lives and the priviledge of knowing them, some for only a short while, others a while longer, but all are endeared to me.
In Loving Rememberance and Dedication to:
Big Mama 1921-1981
Uncle Charles 1943-1984
Uncle Sonny 1903-1997
Uncle Herman 1916-1999
Uncle Horace 1960-2004
Charles Brandon 1982-2005
Justin 1983-2006
Uncle Melvin 1918-2006
Mr. Charles 1938-2007
Carlton 1961-2007
Sister Bonner 1940-2008
Sister Dix 1921-2008
Brother Dix, and

At times it's hard to accept that they are gone, but I know that I must accept what God allows. He has the very hairs of our heads numbered and He is in complete control of our every breath. He makes no mistakes. Although today, I don't understand; today, my heart aches with pain; and sometimes it's even hard to fathom making it from one day to the next. But God knows and God cares.

My dear loved ones, rest in peace until He comes

simply beautiful.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Old skool luv

You get to see inside of me...once again. One of my favorite poems written by me. My inspiration was 5-6 of my favorite Christian couples. They are friends, lovers, partners in marriage, and in life. What's so great about these couples is the fact that I know them personally. They are my grandparents, two of my Great Uncles and their wives, and 4 couples at church. They give me hope, as a single person from parents that have a jacked up marriage, that there is such a thing as a good marriage. Not a perfect marriage, but one in which they love God, love each other, complement one another, have mutual respect for one another, and share a special friendship. You see, when I get with Mr. Right Man, this what I aspire to have in our relationship. This is my prayer letter to God.

Are you listenin'?!!
I want an old skool luv!
You know, that Ruth and Boaz
Kind of love
A Love for real. You know the kind?
It's Genuine,
Long-suffering, not discontent,
Not easily provoked, gives one hundred percent;
Bears all, believes all,
Hopes in all, endures and assures.

Are you listenin', God?!!
I want to love like Big Mamma and Big Daddy--
From sun up to sun down;
Like my Uncle Herman and Aunt Grace
A love that just abounds.
I want to love from see to can't see;
Like my Uncle Melvin and Aunt Ethel
Now that's how love's supposed to be.
like Brother and Sister Bonner,
All syrupy and sweet;
A love so strong that it knocks you off your feet
A love so good-- like buscuits and gravy
A love that grows fast as a newborn baby

That old skool love, like the notes we used to pass..
I love you. Do you love me. Check yes or no
That true kind of love, and all that jazz…

I want that fussing this morning, loving this evening kinda love.
That baby forgive me cuz I was wrong and you wasn’t right either,
But put the blame on me anyway kinda love.
That babymaking love
That just because love
That 24 hours 7 days a week love
Ya Know-- that sweet,
Sunday afternoon
kinda love.

My God, Are you listenin'?!
I want an Old Skool Luv.

copyright 27March 2008 fort worth TX
Sunday 21Dec2008 -modified for seeinsideofme...simply beautiful

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Attention Women: We MUST Protect Ourselves!

Hey Girlfriends...let me holla at you a minute!
You are so precious, so vibrant, so beautiful and full of life. You are worth more than gold, diamonds, pearls, rubies, or any other fine jewel. And as such, you should do with yourself as those who are stewards of fine jewels. Protect yourself. Not just for you- but for me, for the ones you love, the ones who love you, and for future generations. African-Americans are dropping like flies. And it's all because we don't want to face facts and be truthful. We are contracting and spreading HIV/AIDS quick, fast and in a hurry within the African-American community. We have multiple sex partners while we make like we are monogamous. Our men have same sex partners that they keep carefully hidden. We are sleeping with men knowing they are on the down-low, on the up-high, in the closet, on the closet, and having sex inside his marriage. We are sexing outside our marriage, with friends, neighbors and strangers --all that crazy shenanigans--and we are not protecting ourselves. We don't want nobody 'in our business' -- and we surely don't want nobody knowing what (or who) we do. Why do we engage in such destructive behavior? Why take such a huge gamble with your most precious commodity? In the African-American community, it is notoriously known for that 'hush-hush sweep it under the rug' mess. You know, the old saying is that 'silence is golden'--but in this day of HIV/AIDS silence is deadly. Silence is killing us. And it's high time we realize that we don't have to die.

Let's talk woman to woman. We are becoming infected with HIV/AIDS at enormous rates. Our men have been in prison (hush), they are or have been i.v. drug users (sweep), they are or have been having sex with multiple partners (hush), both male and female( oh, hush, hush). Whatever the case, we are being infected by these men by the thousands (sweep). The highest rate for new reports of HIV/AIDS is black women between the ages of 18-44. From 2000 through 2003, HIV and AIDS rates for African American females were 20 times the rates for white females.

There are several factors that play a role in these high statistics. First of all, there are biological factors. The way that we are made, our reproductive system, makes it easier for us to contract diseases. In other words, because we are penetrated, we are more susceptible. There are also several behaviorial factors that put us at risk. We have sex at an earlier age than other races, we tend to have multiple sex partners and/or multiple concurrent sex partners, we tend to have older male sex partners, we tend not to ask questions, and if we do, we tend to trust whatever our man tells us. Understand me now, and don't get me wrong. I do not stand in judgment. I offer the facts as they are--and assert that knowledge is power. When you know better, you do better. And when you do better, you are better. The better you are, the better your community. So looking at stats on the fact of 1) Sexual Activity: By age 19, 77 percent of all American females have had vaginal sex; the proportion climbs to 92 percent by age 24. Among black females, 76 percent have had vaginal sex by age 19, 89 percent by age 24. 2)Multiple Partners/Concurrent multiple partners. We tend to have sex before marriage, with several people. Sometimes we have sex with several different people during the same time period. 3) Older Male Partners and other social factors. We tend to date older men because they are more mature, can take care of us, and give us money, a car, jewelry, or other material things, and we look for fatherly guidance. We also tend to be pretty gullible, believing that doing anything and everything that he says constitutes us being a good woman. We put our lives in men's hands. And what that means is that we put our lives in jeopardy. Take this story into account:
"He was, Precious Jackson said, a very fine black man. He was 6 feet 2 inches tall with an almond-milk complexion, dreamy dark eyes and a deep voice. During their nearly two years together in Los Angeles, he was the sunshine of her life, even though he had a habit of landing in jail and refused to use a condom when they made love.
"I didn't ask him any questions," Jackson said in a recent interview. "I didn't ask him about his sexual history. I asked him if he had been tested, and he said one test came back positive but another one came back negative. I was excited to have this man in my life, because I felt I needed this man to validate who I was." The man is now Jackson's ex-lover, but the two are forever attached by the AIDS virus she contracted from him."

Precious trusted this man. He gave her a gift. The gift that keeps on giving. Her life is in jeopardy--if she gets a cut, a cold, any infection--her immune system is further compromised.
Now, I'm not looking at the moral implications of having sex outside marriage, gay or lesbian activity and such--those topics are a totally different blog entry. But what I'm doing is looking at this situation as someone who cares about the health and well-being of our community. On the moral tip, we all know that God is watching. And guess what? we still will do what we do regardless or morality/immorality. However, my point is...if you like to do it then you should put a condom on it. Yes, wrap it up-- put a jimmy on it. (plastic wrap, saran wrap, aluminum foil if you have to.) AND DO NOT TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER. Your life depends on it! Since the man/men you are sleeping with will not protect you, then it's YOUR JOB to PROTECT YOURSELF. DON'T listen to no sob story about how uncomfortable it is and that he can't feel anything. DON'T even let him snivel about how if you trusted him, you wouldn't ask him to wear a condom. DON'T entertain him when he says he ain't got no rubbers, or how he ain't got no money, or how he ain't got time to go buy them. ( He got money and time to buy beer, don't he?) If you still choose to have sex after all of his excuses, then YOU be prepared. Pull out your own condom. That's right!! If you big, bad, and bold enough to lay under him --or sit on him-- then be big, bad, and bold enough to pull out a Trojan!

Or better yet, get yo azz up and go home-- or if he at your crib, send him on his way. ( You ain't gotta home, baby, but you gotta get the helloutta here!)
But sisters, seriously. It's imperative. We must talk to one another. Mothers talk to your daughters--big sisters, talk to your little sisters. Aunts, cousins, girlfriends, play cousins,--
Don't know what to talk about? about this! Here are 3 REASONS TO USE A CONDOM!
  • Since 1981 more than 750,000 cases of AIDS have been reported in the U.S.(Source: The Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation)

  • In the United States, more than 65 million people are currently living with an incurable STD. (Source: U.S. Centers for Disease Control Centers)

  • More than one in five Americans is infected with genital herpes.(Source: U.S. Centers for Disease Control Centers)

live -----like you're simply beautiful.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Big Brotha

The other night I had a dream. I was looking for you, but I knew you wouldn't be there. I tried to tell myself this in my dream, but I had to look for you anyway. Happy Thanksgiving, Big Bro. It's my 2nd one without you. Someone one said it would get easier as times goes on...but whoever said that...well I don't think they ever experienced real grief. I miss you. There has been so many times within the last 2 years that I've wanted to pick up the phone and call you. Or just drop by your house and have a cold glass of tea. Many times I've almost asked my mom, "have you heard from (my brother)? I haven't heard from him lately, and I wonder how he's doing?" I have to stop myself because I know that she's missing you, too. I don't want her to hurt anymore than she is already.
There's so much I wish I could share with you. Like how your nephew has grown taller and slimmed down. How he's becoming comfortable in college. How he's progressing in his music, both singing and playing the keyboard. One of our last conversations, I was able to tell you that I'd been re-admitted to college. I'll never forget how happy you were for me. I wish I could tell you that I'll be graduating May 2009. I never thought I'd be graduating without you. But, I'll save a ticket for you anyway, as though you'll be there.

I miss him giving me advice. I miss our dinners together. I miss his laugh. I miss him just chillin' at the house with candles burning and music playing. I miss you Big Bro. You left me too soon.

The Word of God, tells me in one of my favorite passages, In All Things Give Thanks. So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'd like to acknowledge that I'm thankful and that God is good. I give thanks to God for having a big brother who took care of me so well. I thank God for precious memories. I thank God for the love of family and friends who are filling the void. With that being said, God is in control and everything is everything. Big Brotha, we will meet again.

Special note: I wish to thank all who have helped me to deal with the loss of my brother. It's not my style to actually name names-- but, I'll break the rules this one time.
Thank you Matt, Eric B., Darrell, Dawn, DeShaun, Donna, Eric L., Kaliah, Kat, Lynette, Paula, Shelia, Tonii, "T", and Vincent. Each of you have been so good to me. You've shown you care--each of you at different times and in different ways. You continue to show me love, give a shoulder to lean on, and remind me that, although in life there's joy and there's pain, life does go on. Thanks for helping me make it through each day. God Bless and
I love you. simply beautiful

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Nobody's Supposed to be Here

Nobody’s s'posed to be here
Not in my head, or my heart
Nobody’s s'posed to be rumblin’ 'round
my innermost parts.

You not s'posed to be here
This area’s locked away
How did you get in?
Do you expect to stay?

No one's s'posed to be here
This place is out-of-bounds
I stopped giving tours long ago
Ain't no going the rounds.

You not s'posed to be here.
Watching me, wooing me,
I got my guard up
so you won't be foolin' me

Nobody’s s'posed to be here,
oh no, but here he is
Like I’m s'posed to love him
In spite of all my fears.

ah-ight O kay-i see what this is
I'll go head and woman up
and swallow my tears
And you will be where
just yesterday I thought
no one's s'posed to be--
this close to my heart.

-- for E.D.B.

28August 2008 ( copyright )
Fort Worth TX

An Ode to Me

Beautiful Lady
Smile so sweet
Swing your hips, Lick your Lips
Glide to your own beat.

Elusive Lady
So hard to find,
Smile your smile, Dance your dance
He’ll lose his mind.

Wonderful Lady
Ever so graceful
So mysterious, yet so serious
He can’t help but be faithful.

Pretty Lady
You’re so divine.
To him you’re fine, as vintage wine,
gets better with time.

Beautiful, Elusive Lady
Special, Tantalizing Lady.
So Wonderful and Pretty, too.
For all you do
This is an Ode to You
On this day, the anniversary of your birth
Celebrate your Worth!

written on September 27th, 2008 1102pm
c. Fort Worth TX USA
simply beautiful

Monday, November 17, 2008

A Conversation with a friend

I had a conversation via email with a friend today. She has an 'advice column', and I'm going through a little something so I decided to ask her opinion. Little did I know that she would be so insightful. For your reading pleasure, here is our talk. To keep things simple, she's "DOC"

Thanks Doc! here's my dilemma-- there's this guy that I like...and he likes me..but it seems both of us are terribly shy...can you give me a way to approach him that won't make me look like a wayward tramp? I must mention that we see each other at church...he's in the ministry and close to the pastor too, so I have to tread carefully...

DOC: I would say just to be yourself and one day after church ask him if he would like to get lunch or supper one day. Or just reference something he did that day. If he responds in a way that will lead to conversation then suggest something outside of church where you all can talk. As long as you don't say something like ' the gates of heaven are between my thighs' you'll be good to go.

sounds good. I just needed a third opinion. you may post my question if you please...just protect the guilty. and for the record no...I wasn't thinking about saying anything like that. LOL. although, somehow I don't think he'd mind me saying it. he's holy...but he's still a man. LOL.

DOC:Don't I know! My biological and my stepdad are preachers. I have seen and heard a lot of stuff. One thing I know for sure. If a minister is interested in someone he is extra cautious. Nothing like the jezzabels in the church to teach you to be careful.

mmmm. very interesting. I hadn't thought about it from that perspective. Yeah he seems extra cautious.. very selective and very slooow. I guess it's all good, though..being a private person myself, I don't want my business all over the church either. I just wish there were a handbook on how to date in church. I know what to do if I were in the world...but being in church is very different...or is it?

DOC: Not really. You just have to be very aware. EVERYBODY is watching. People are much more agressive in church. You know what I mean. If he starts being around you the other woman will try and make themselves be more available. It all boils down to how you two will handle it. If God has sent him to you he will be for you and no random chic can stop that.

yeah...that's what I kinda figured about other women. He's very much in the 'spotlight' so to speak--so I'm really surprised that no one's chasing him already. My pastor's very vocal anyway, so I know that he(my crush) knows to tread lightly. I appreciate your words of encouragement. I've been running from this whole thing for several reasons---and now I'm beginning to understand that it may be meant to be --because he's so persistent. He definitely is not taking instruction from me! So he must feel that I am the one for him. mmm..See, I'm glad I asked you. I'll be walking around with my head in the air the rest of the week! LOL

DOC: GO AHEAD HONEY!!! they maybe chasing him but he doesn't see anyone but you! Give a little extra twist of them hips when you walk! My aunt and I talked about being a preachers wife on Friday night. I said I am not my mother, "turn the other cheek and be nice all the time." My aunt isn't eaither and she is a preachers wife. She cuss like a sailor. I am saying this to say, do not stop who you are. Be strong for you. If this progresses to that level, be a strong woman and wife first. The women who proclaim to be holy... are really HO-ISH! God will reveal all.

girlfriend. you are too funny! omg. I feel like you have been watching the whole thing play out. you are so on the money --girl...

DOC: No joke, I am a seer. I don't tell people that.

I should have known...what you've said to me-I've been 'hearing in my spirit' for a while...but like I said, just i will take your advice, approach him like a lady with an invite to lunch or something and see where that goes.

DOC:.Yes ma'am.


So, there you have it. What do you think? Is she really on the money? We'll see.

Will I ask him? or will I chi-ck-en out?

simply beautiful

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Who is he and What is me?

I just love this classic song by Bill Withers titled, "Who is he and what is he to you?" The storyline of the song is about a man and his wife who are out together and run into another man. The singer does'nt know him, but he feels that his wife does. He goes on to tell her that he's not dumb. He tells her that his intuition is that she knows this guy, and that she's 'too much for one man, but not enough for two'. In other words, he realizes that she's demanding and he's got to step up his game, but nevertheless, he ain't about to share his woman--she can forget that. It's a good storyline, isn't it? But it's not what this blog entry's about. I just pimped the title and tweeked it a bit.
What it is about is this: I am in the market for a companion, boyfriend, male friend...dare I say...husband. (Ew, now that's a word) Only God knows at this point. Anyway, I've compiled a list of the things I'd look for in a man.
My title is "Who is he, and what is he to me?" And using a subtitle of : How a man should love me as God loves me.
My man should be:
1. A gentleman-- a civilized, educated, sensitive and well-mannered man. He opens doors for me, he respects and honors me. He does not force himself on me.
2. Confident and sure of himself; having no uncertainty about his abilities. NOT arrogant—No, not at all. He knows his worth—he knows Whose he is and Who he is AND most importantly, Who HE is! He can change the oil in the car, mow the lawn, clean the house, do the dishes, do the laundry, and DO ME --and still be confident in knowing that he’s the man of the house.
3. A provider who supports me and accepts support from me. And he is a protector—a defender and a guardian.
4. He’s powerful. He knows all of his power is in his prayers and his praise.
5. There’s nothing he won’t do for me. Because he knows there’s nothing I won’t do for him. We got each others back.
6. Anticipates my wants and needs. Does this need an explanation? Well, I’ll provide a short one. He knows me well enough to know what I need—see numbers 1-5 and 7-13. He knows we need food, shelter, clothing. He knows I want affection and attention. He knows how to draw a nice hot bath, light some candles, turn on some soft music, and wash my back, and then….
And, not to worry...I get it AND I give it.
7. He shows and tells me that he loves me. He calls me, brings me flowers, takes me to dinner, displays affection in public, etc. every now and again.
8. He does not need a performance from me in order to earn his love.
9. He keeps his promises! His word is his bond. If he says he will, he does.
10. No one can influence his opinion of me in a negative way.
11. He is intimate with me. And not just physical intimacy. I describe intimacy as open and frequent communication, having close contact over a period of time, building my trust and confidence in him through words and actions, which will lead towards becoming endeared one to another.
12.He cannot disown me. I am a part of him/he is a part of me.
13. He covers me and doesn’t expose me. This one is real important. He will accept me, flaws and all, and cover me where I need it. He will not expose my short-comings (or my sins) to the world. He is connected to me/and I to him, and will allow his strength to conceal my weaknesses. He will sit on my secrets and not reveal them to my friends or to my enemies. He will provide a defense for my emotions, guarding my inner-most thoughts and feelings.
Is this too much to expect from a man? I don't think so, especially if he’s expecting the same in return. You see, I not only want to receive this kind of love, but to give it as well. Now I'm talking about “Old Skool Love”. I call it that Big Mama and Big Daddy loving from sun-up to sun-down kind of love. That Sunday evening- rain is gently pitter-pattering on the roof kind of love. That slow-roasted, flavorful, melt in your mouth-not in your hand kind of love. A love that is like fine wine— gets better with time. Yeah, that good love.
A man ought to reflect God's love when he loves a woman. God created man and woman to love one another--a woman is her man's helpmate. Woman was not taken from man's feet in order to walk on him or be walked on by him, nor from his head to be over him, nor from his back to be the tail, but from his rib, in order to be by his side. What two can walk together if they do not agree?
I'm ready to start walking...Now if I could only find someone to walk with...
Simply Beautiful

Monday, November 10, 2008

My Big Mama in Me

This post is dedicated to my 'Big Mama'. For those not familiar with the term, I'm speaking of my grandmother. She happens to be my paternal grandma, or in everyday terms, my daddy's mama. In honor of the anniversary of her birthday, I'm going to take some time to remember her in the way that only I can. You see, I never got to see Big Mama through 'grown up eyes'. What I mean is, all of my memories of her are during my childhood. I was 17 years-old when Big Mama went home to be with the Lord. But, the many memories I have are filled with her warmth, strength, and joy, all made from scratch like her hot buttered biscuits. LOL.
I'd like to think that I am very much like her; a charming, graceful woman with a ready smile. She was a woman of character, she believed right was right, wrong was wrong. She was a woman with a deep, quiet strength. She had a sense of centeredness. She loved her God and loved her family. She was a predictable, yet mysterious woman. But, you knew who she was because her personality never changed. She always treated you with dignity and respect, no matter your age, race, or gender. Her level of respect would never change. She could be so serious at times. When there was work to be done, she meant for you to get to it--no dawdling, no excuses. But when the work was through, then you would see the side of her that was playful and free.
She had certain air about her, and a certain flair that was right there on the very 'tip of your tongue', but you just couldn't quite figure out. It's like she was so charming that she could always stay one step ahead of you, never allowing you to catch up, but you were allowed to follow as if she were the pied piper. She exuded confidence and self-assuredness. She had a proud walk. I'm told I have it, too. She would walk like she had the biggest, juiciest secret stored right there in her bosom. And, if you'd only be good, on your bestest of behavior, she'd take that secret, split it two, dress it up with honey and butter and share it with you--each and every delightful bite.
She loved life and loved to laugh. She enjoyed good conversation, as well reading and journaling. (Looks like she passed it on, huh?) She was especially fond of current events and history. She loved the arts--music, poetry, recitations and plays. She knew the value of a good education. She knew that ed ucating oneself, whether through public or private school systems, college or university, or self-educating through the reading of books, magazines, news and other publications, would bring personal satisfaction, fulfillment and hopefully a good paying job!

One of my favorite memories as a child occurred when I was about 6 or 7 years old. My older brother and I would spend a couple of weeks or so during the summer with Big Mama and Big Daddy in the country. We would take long walks down their dirt road, or go visit the 'hog pen', or just play in all of that red sand. Sometimes we'd go up the dirt road to visit with great- Aunt Juanita and great-Uncle Buck. But one particular day, we stayed inside and listened to records. For you youngsters, that's like a CD, except it played on a phonograph/record player and oftentimes there was only one song on each side. Well, Big Mama was feeling pretty playful. She came in from the kitchen and reached up on top of the shelf and pulled down a record. She put in on the phonograph player, then reached up again and brought down a wig. She put the wig on her head and started the phonograph player. It was 'Proud Mary' by Ike and Tina Turner. You know, " rolling....rolling....rolling on the river...." Big Mama began to lipsync with the song...not only that, but she moved her hips in rhythm with the music. She even swung her head around like the Ikettes, on the instrumental part (being careful not to lose her wig, of course!) Ohmygoodness! We rolled! My conservative, Christian, laid-back, easy going grandmother was lipsyncing, dancing and head swinging to 'Proud Mary'! If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I never would have believed it!
That day I saw a different side of Big Mama--and I liked it very much. I found that she had a fun, playful side. I'd only seen the Big Mama that made sure all the chores were done. This Big Mama was spontaneous, hilarious, and a pretty good lipsyncer and dancer! LOL
Just one last thing about my Big Mama. I'd always felt a 'strange' closeness with her. I say "strange" not meaning weird, but meaning unusual. It was not only a physical closeness we shared, because she loved her hugs and kisses, but she and I shared a mental closeness. You see, even as a child, I could be serious and then suddenly whimsical. I could be studious and curious, and in the very next vain, be nonchalant and carefree. Big Mama, it seemed, KNEW me. She understood what made me tick. She knew my likes and dislikes. She knew that I was a good child, one who would not need constant watching, but who would need stern instruction. She knew all about me and accepted every fiber. She knew I'd love to read and write when I got older. She knew I was a little tomboy at heart, loving to run and play in the dirt. She also knew as a child that I couldn't sta-a-a-and to keep shoes on my feet! ( and still can't as an adult! smile)
How did she know all of this about me? Is it because she saw herself in me? Perhaps she saw herself in the way I walk, or heard herself in the way I talk, or even perhaps caught a glimpse of me making one of her facial expressions? Whatever it was that she saw or heard, she let me know she loved me for me, and willingly embraced me.
Even though she's been gone for a time, I can still feel her love--I feel her warmth---I feel her care and acceptance. How? Well, it's right here. (sound affect: tapping on glass) When I look in the mirror, I can't help but to see--- my Big Mama in me.

Happy Birthday, Big Mama!
I love you!
November 8, 1921- December 28, 1981.

( P.S. Please forgive me for being late. I experienced technical difficulties. Laptops are nice when you can get them to charge.)

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Take it from betta aks him!!

One of my favorite bloggers touched on a subject that is near and dear to me. He talked about dating and relationships as a single parent. This came about in light of the recent tragedy in the Jennifer Hudson family. He went on to discuss how he dates discreetly and doesn't involve his kids. I agree with the brotha wholeheartedly. I am a single mom of a male-child. I found it interesting how men would almost approach me...that is until he would see my son bounding towards me like a St. Benard--no offense sweetie--mumm loves her little 'poo-poo'. So once brotha man got a glimpse of the teen-age 'man of the house', he would quickly lose interest and turn the other way. Hey--no problem. I'd rather know up front when a brotha can't deal with a woman who has a child. It saves the both of us some time and probably heartache and handcuffs! But back to the blog by my big brotha. He said there are several questions that have to be asked prior to dating and allowing his date to meet his kids. I say, 'Right on, my Brotha! You should really read his blog in its entirety. It's really informative.

Now, I came up with some questions of my own about 7 or 8 months ago. I'm thinking about getting back into the dating scene after a loooong absence. I got to thinking about things, and decided upon these questions to ask a potential date. Now keep in mind, some of these questions are asked upon first meeting and some are saved for later dates. Use at your own discretion.

Question number 1. Does he KNOW Jesus? Is Jesus in him? Does Jesus KNOW him? Okay I know that looks like 3 questions, but really it ain't but ONE. Do you love the Lord EVERYday? Or just on Sunday? Or whenever it looks like you should? ( again with the multiple ONE question..same subject.)
2. Do you hit women? ( No, not Jesus, silly. aks man you thinking about getting with!)
3. Do you respect women? Do you even like women? (you'd be surprised by some of the issues our brothas are walking around with. Just AKS the question!!)
4. Do you like men, too? Uh, you know what I mean..don't need no down low.
5. Do you like kids? Do you have any kids? If so, how many?
6. Are you violent? Have you been told you have a bad temper? scary? Weird? Potential stalker? Again, it looks like more than one question, but it ain't!! Walk with me now.

I really, really like the way big brotha put it. He say:

Are you psychotic in any measurable way?—I know. It seems too
forward. But you'll be surprised at people that will just come out and tell you that they are not right in the head. We all have emotional problems—it's part of the human condition. But you can't fix people. They have to fix themselves. There's crazy, wacky and there's crazy, CRAZY. I don't know about you, but I don't need crazy in my life. Crazy, I got.

7. Do you want a wife or are you looking for another 'mama'?
8. Are you financially stable?
9. If I introduced you to someone I respect and trust, what do you think they would think of you? Ohhh that's good!!
Now this one is my son's question. I tell you, my child a fool!!
10. Where was your um--penis-- on May 3, 1980? How about last month? Last week? Last night, even?
11. Do you have a current or ex wife? Have you ever been close to marriage? But didn't? and if so,what happened?
12. Why did you choose to date me?What do you expect from me? And why? Yea-gur..ask him WHY?!! Big brotha puts it this way:

What are your intentions?—Are we just dancing, or are we moving toward something? If not, there's no reason for you to meet my kids.

13. Where do you expect to be one year from now? 5 years? 10 years? Does any of your future planning include me? Again, big brotha says it this way:

Got any life plans?—"What's a life plan?" Right. NEXT.

Now, I thought I asked some really good questions until I saw my big brothas list. I left off some important ones--but I'm including those questions and his comments here:
Do you dope or drink?—
Do you have any felonies?—Especially violent ones. Sex offenses count.
Are you on probation?
Are you employable?—can you at least get a job at Wendy's so you can afford a taxi if I have to kick you out for acting crazy around my kids? FOR REAL. Not only ask if he is employable, but sistas, ask if he's employed. There's nothing like getting in front of the movie theater, 20 minutes away from the hottest movie ever and you find out that the brotha you invited is expecting you to pay--because you asked him out and besides he ain't got no job, so he ain't got no money. humph--ain't that some shiggidy?!! I'd go in by myself and leave him standing there!
Do you vote?—No? NEXT.

Now, one word of advice, girls. You're asking the questions, no doubt, but don't be afraid to answer them as well. If this man is on point, he'll be asking you the same questions anyway. If he ain't--then you might want to re-think that dating thang!

Be Cautious, my Lady Friends--and be Blessed.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

That One

In seven days we will find out which candidate will be our new Commander-in-Chief. November 4, 2008 will be an important day in U.S. history. The first African-American has been unanimously nominated by the Democratic party to run for president. Barack 'That One' Obama, is blazing an impressive trail for himself, his family, for black people, and for this country. Everywhere he goes, people seem to love him. I know that I do. He's smart, articulate, and charming. He commands respect and he holds ones attention. And not to forget to mention that he's tall, slim, and he's easy on the eyes. Yes, indeed--easy on the eyes.

But, unfortunately in 2008, America is still a very dangerous country for a black man. Just this year, a young man, Brandon McClelland of Paris, TX was drug to his death behind a pick-up truck. His story is very reminiscent of the event in which James Byrd, Jr. of Jasper, TX was murdered. This makes me wonder how many incidents that stem from racial hate have occurred in the United States that have not received any major press? Not just against African-Americans, but Asian, Hispanic, or Indian- Americans? How many of my brothers and sisters in this day and age have lost their lives simply because of the color of their skin? Now Senator Obama may not be able to change these incidences, however I hope that because of his high visibility, these crimes will come to light and to justice.
If Senator Obama should win the presidency, he will not be able to change America or the world overnight. Nor do I expect him to. But, I hope and pray that he will change the way people in this country and abroad view African-Americans. We are not all a booty-shaking, pot smoking, alcoholic, low pants wearing, illiterate, welfare-dependant, ghetto tenement living, HIV+/AIDS afflicted, drug dealing, stealing, and killing race of people. There are many of us who are hard-working, law-abiding, literate, politically active, church attending, health-conscience, charitable and compassionate people. We believe in educating ourselves and our children. We uphold God's laws and the law of the land. We fight against racism, sexism, and poverty. We want , as Dr. King spoke from the book of Amos, to "let justice run down as waters, and righteousness as a mighty stream." (Amos 5:24 KJV) We want equality. We long for freedom and justice. We believe that we have the inalienable right to pursue life, liberty, and happiness. We want peace, to live in safe, clean neighborhoods and to have clean water, food on our tables, affordable housing, and the best schools for our children. We don't want handouts, we don't want condescending attitudes, or pity from other races. We can stand on our own two feet and work just like the next man (or woman).

Yesterday, I cast my vote at the local courthouse when I got off of work. So, the next thing I'll do is anxiously await the voting results starting November 4th. I'll be on the Internet, watching the news. and listening to the radio. I am ready for change. I am hopeful. And I know that this country needs a changing of the guard. Not an African-American president to just speak for black folk only-- but an intelligent, compassionate, attention commanding and respectable person to speak for all Americans- white, black, red, yellow, pink and green!
Go 'head on, Senator Obama, future Prez of the United States of America. Do your thang! Show the world that we're smart, passionate, articulate, hard-working and that we MATTER! America, don't take us for granted. Don't look past us, or through us. There are intelligent thoughts in our heads, there's compassion in our hearts, we have a mind and a desire to work, and we must be respected, heard, and dealt with as equals!

Monday, October 27, 2008

Oh, No She Don't!!!

Lemme share a cute story with you. This past April, I went down home to my grandfather's 94th birthday celebration. Of course, there were lots of family and friends there, including his baby sister, my great Aunt. She's in her 80's, but she looks like she's about 60-something. Well, my Aunt is a really classy looking, gorgeous woman. And as my son says she's 'beourgie'.
For as long as I can remember, my Aunt has been a single woman, driving a late model Cadillac-- and she's always, always had a boyfriend. And this time is no different. She drove her brown colored Cadillac down home along with her man. That's right, she's got a BOYFRIEND!! WHAT THE...?!! Here she is in her 80's, close to 90 and she's got a boyfriend?!! Albeit, he was on a cane--she has one boyfriend more than I've got! , THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!

Now, Aunt is gorgeous, no doubt, and she deserves to ride in style, date, and do whatever and go wherever she wants. Hey, more power to her! But my thing is this…I am less than half her age. I don't have a Cadillac, but I can live with that just fine because I like my truck. But she has a MAN. And here I am, crying, sobbing, and snotting because I can't seem to get a date. I'm not even sure if I have a prospect for a date, let alone getting a boyfriend. See, sometimes men seem to be either afraid to approach me, already married, too old, too immature, or they make me wonder if he is a real man. What do I mean by a real man? I mean one who is not on the down low or a man who hits women, drinks excessively and/or does drugs, and doesn't work or want to work. A real man is able to love a woman, take care of himself, a wife and/or some kids and most of all loves Jesus! My, my,my...I wonder where my real man is?
But, back to the subject at hand. Look at this -- the bottom line is my eighty-something-year- old great Aunt has a boyfriend and I DON'T. WoW! Just to say that...I'm hurt, I'm ashamed, I'm almost devastated. And after all of these emotions, I get angry also. Yes, angry…at me. Here I am wanting to get into a relationship, have a male companion, a boyfriend, maybe even a husband one day… I mean.. Someone to talk to or hang out with...And what am I doing? Well, obviously not much.

Okay...back to my Aunt...I heard there was even a marriage proposal in the works. And check it, old dude practically asked her during a wake. Yes, A WAKE..the night before A FUNERAL. Yeah, the old folks are hookin' up...and getting it on!!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

See Inside of Me ... An Introduction

To see inside of me requires a lot of time. I am multi-faceted. I am a mother, a student, a travel consultant. I am a Christian. I attend church regularly. I am a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I am a voter, I choose to let my voice be heard. I do it for me--I do it for Fannie Lou Hamer, for Medgar Evers, for Malcolm X, for Dr. King, for Shirley Chisholm, for Emmitt Till. Most of them paved the way for me and their voices were snuffed too soon--now, I speak for them. I am a lover of black men-- (one at a time of course!) I am a writer, a music and movie lover, an animal lover, and an avid reader. I love to dance and sing, even though I don't sing very well. My favorite types of music are gospel, r&b, and jazz. I stay up way passed midnite too many nights a week. I hit the snooze button too often. It's hard to get up at 5am if when I don't go to sleep until 1 or 2 am. On Saturdays, I like to sleep late. I don't, but I'd like to. And if a thunderstorm rolls in during the middle of the day--whew...I'd like to...well, I'll say " sleep "through it, if you get my drift? I like to cook and I like to bake. Soulfood's my favorite. Some fried chicken, greens, sweet potatoes, and cornbread, with a Coca-Cola. And don't forget dessert--Butter Pound Cake, made from scratch, with hot peaches and cold ice cream. It should go without saying, but I'll say it anyway-- I like to eat. I can really savor a tall, cold, sweet glass of iced tea, with a smidge of lemon, please. I immensely enjoy the company of my family and good friends. I like to shop and people watch. I am a 'Diamond in the Rough', because sometimes, I do and/or say the opposite of what I really mean. I'm elusive. Yep. At times, it's hard to get to know me. I'm simple. At other times, what I'm thinking is written all over my face. Sometimes I'm very talkative. Sometimes I'm quiet and pensive. I love to have fun. I'm just a kid at heart. I can be adventurous and cautious. I can be trusting or wary. Sometimes I'm hard to please. But most times I'm easy. Heeey--don't get the wrong idea. I mean easy-going, easy to please. I've been told I'm gullible. I don't know that I agree. But I do know that I am a flirt. And when I'm in a relationship, I'm loyal, committed, compassionate, and trustworthy. I am such a passionate person. I love to be in love.
My favorite color is purple. And next is red.
This is who I am--to see inside of me... requires love, patience, and time. I am sexy, sassy, sadity, and sophisticated. I love me. When you get to know me, you'll love me too....or love to hate me. But, that's alright. I am.. simply beautiful.