Big Brotha

The other night I had a dream. I was looking for you, but I knew you wouldn't be there. I tried to tell myself this in my dream, but I had to look for you anyway. Happy Thanksgiving, Big Bro. It's my 2nd one without you. Someone one said it would get easier as times goes on...but whoever said that...well I don't think they ever experienced real grief. I miss you. There has been so many times within the last 2 years that I've wanted to pick up the phone and call you. Or just drop by your house and have a cold glass of tea. Many times I've almost asked my mom, "have you heard from (my brother)? I haven't heard from him lately, and I wonder how he's doing?" I have to stop myself because I know that she's missing you, too. I don't want her to hurt anymore than she is already.
There's so much I wish I could share with you. Like how your nephew has grown taller and slimmed down. How he's becoming comfortable in college. How he's progressing in his music, both singing and playing the keyboard. One of our last conversations, I was able to tell you that I'd been re-admitted to college. I'll never forget how happy you were for me. I wish I could tell you that I'll be graduating May 2009. I never thought I'd be graduating without you. But, I'll save a ticket for you anyway, as though you'll be there.

I miss him giving me advice. I miss our dinners together. I miss his laugh. I miss him just chillin' at the house with candles burning and music playing. I miss you Big Bro. You left me too soon.

The Word of God, tells me in one of my favorite passages, In All Things Give Thanks. So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'd like to acknowledge that I'm thankful and that God is good. I give thanks to God for having a big brother who took care of me so well. I thank God for precious memories. I thank God for the love of family and friends who are filling the void. With that being said, God is in control and everything is everything. Big Brotha, we will meet again.

Special note: I wish to thank all who have helped me to deal with the loss of my brother. It's not my style to actually name names-- but, I'll break the rules this one time.
Thank you Matt, Eric B., Darrell, Dawn, DeShaun, Donna, Eric L., Kaliah, Kat, Lynette, Paula, Shelia, Tonii, "T", and Vincent. Each of you have been so good to me. You've shown you care--each of you at different times and in different ways. You continue to show me love, give a shoulder to lean on, and remind me that, although in life there's joy and there's pain, life does go on. Thanks for helping me make it through each day. God Bless and
I love you. simply beautiful

Nobody's Supposed to be Here

Nobody’s s'posed to be here
Not in my head, or my heart
Nobody’s s'posed to be rumblin’ 'round
my innermost parts.

You not s'posed to be here
This area’s locked away
How did you get in?
Do you expect to stay?

No one's s'posed to be here
This place is out-of-bounds
I stopped giving tours long ago
Ain't no going the rounds.

You not s'posed to be here.
Watching me, wooing me,
I got my guard up
so you won't be foolin' me

Nobody’s s'posed to be here,
oh no, but here he is
Like I’m s'posed to love him
In spite of all my fears.

ah-ight O kay-i see what this is
I'll go head and woman up
and swallow my tears
And you will be where
just yesterday I thought
no one's s'posed to be--
this close to my heart.

-- for E.D.B.

28August 2008 ( copyright )
Fort Worth TX

An Ode to Me

Beautiful Lady
Smile so sweet
Swing your hips, Lick your Lips
Glide to your own beat.

Elusive Lady
So hard to find,
Smile your smile, Dance your dance
He’ll lose his mind.

Wonderful Lady
Ever so graceful
So mysterious, yet so serious
He can’t help but be faithful.

Pretty Lady
You’re so divine.
To him you’re fine, as vintage wine,
gets better with time.

Beautiful, Elusive Lady
Special, Tantalizing Lady.
So Wonderful and Pretty, too.
For all you do
This is an Ode to You
On this day, the anniversary of your birth
Celebrate your Worth!


written on September 27th, 2008 1102pm
c. Fort Worth TX USA
simply beautiful

A Conversation with a friend

I had a conversation via email with a friend today. She has an 'advice column', and I'm going through a little something so I decided to ask her opinion. Little did I know that she would be so insightful. For your reading pleasure, here is our talk. To keep things simple, she's "DOC"

Thanks Doc! here's my dilemma-- there's this guy that I like...and he likes me..but it seems both of us are terribly shy...can you give me a way to approach him that won't make me look like a wayward tramp? I must mention that we see each other at church...he's in the ministry and close to the pastor too, so I have to tread carefully...

DOC: I would say just to be yourself and one day after church ask him if he would like to get lunch or supper one day. Or just reference something he did that day. If he responds in a way that will lead to conversation then suggest something outside of church where you all can talk. As long as you don't say something like ' the gates of heaven are between my thighs' you'll be good to go.


sounds good. I just needed a third opinion. you may post my question if you please...just protect the guilty. and for the record no...I wasn't thinking about saying anything like that. LOL. although, somehow I don't think he'd mind me saying it. he's holy...but he's still a man. LOL.


DOC:Don't I know! My biological and my stepdad are preachers. I have seen and heard a lot of stuff. One thing I know for sure. If a minister is interested in someone he is extra cautious. Nothing like the jezzabels in the church to teach you to be careful.


mmmm. very interesting. I hadn't thought about it from that perspective. Yeah he seems extra cautious.. very selective and very slooow. I guess it's all good, though..being a private person myself, I don't want my business all over the church either. I just wish there were a handbook on how to date in church. I know what to do if I were in the world...but being in church is very different...or is it?


DOC: Not really. You just have to be very aware. EVERYBODY is watching. People are much more agressive in church. You know what I mean. If he starts being around you the other woman will try and make themselves be more available. It all boils down to how you two will handle it. If God has sent him to you he will be for you and no random chic can stop that.


yeah...that's what I kinda figured about other women. He's very much in the 'spotlight' so to speak--so I'm really surprised that no one's chasing him already. My pastor's very vocal anyway, so I know that he(my crush) knows to tread lightly. I appreciate your words of encouragement. I've been running from this whole thing for several reasons---and now I'm beginning to understand that it may be meant to be --because he's so persistent. He definitely is not taking instruction from me! So he must feel that I am the one for him. mmm..See, I'm glad I asked you. I'll be walking around with my head in the air the rest of the week! LOL


DOC: GO AHEAD HONEY!!! they maybe chasing him but he doesn't see anyone but you! Give a little extra twist of them hips when you walk! My aunt and I talked about being a preachers wife on Friday night. I said I am not my mother, "turn the other cheek and be nice all the time." My aunt isn't eaither and she is a preachers wife. She cuss like a sailor. I am saying this to say, do not stop who you are. Be strong for you. If this progresses to that level, be a strong woman and wife first. The women who proclaim to be holy... are really HO-ISH! God will reveal all.


girlfriend. you are too funny! omg. I feel like you have been watching the whole thing play out. you are so on the money --girl...

DOC: No joke, I am a seer. I don't tell people that.

I should have known...what you've said to me-I've been 'hearing in my spirit' for a while...but like I said, just running.so i will take your advice, approach him like a lady with an invite to lunch or something and see where that goes.

DOC:.Yes ma'am.

************************************************************************************

So, there you have it. What do you think? Is she really on the money? We'll see.

Will I ask him? or will I chi-ck-en out?

simply beautiful

Who is he and What is he...to me?

I just love this classic song by Bill Withers titled, "Who is he and what is he to you?" The storyline of the song is about a man and his wife who are out together and run into another man. The singer does'nt know him, but he feels that his wife does. He goes on to tell her that he's not dumb. He tells her that his intuition is that she knows this guy, and that she's 'too much for one man, but not enough for two'. In other words, he realizes that she's demanding and he's got to step up his game, but nevertheless, he ain't about to share his woman--she can forget that. It's a good storyline, isn't it? But it's not what this blog entry's about. I just pimped the title and tweeked it a bit.
What it is about is this: I am in the market for a companion, boyfriend, male friend...dare I say...husband. (Ew, now that's a word) Only God knows at this point. Anyway, I've compiled a list of the things I'd look for in a man.
My title is "Who is he, and what is he to me?" And using a subtitle of : How a man should love me as God loves me.
My man should be:
1. A gentleman-- a civilized, educated, sensitive and well-mannered man. He opens doors for me, he respects and honors me. He does not force himself on me.
2. Confident and sure of himself; having no uncertainty about his abilities. NOT arrogant—No, not at all. He knows his worth—he knows Whose he is and Who he is AND most importantly, Who HE is! He can change the oil in the car, mow the lawn, clean the house, do the dishes, do the laundry, and DO ME --and still be confident in knowing that he’s the man of the house.
3. A provider who supports me and accepts support from me. And he is a protector—a defender and a guardian.
4. He’s powerful. He knows all of his power is in his prayers and his praise.
5. There’s nothing he won’t do for me. Because he knows there’s nothing I won’t do for him. We got each others back.
6. Anticipates my wants and needs. Does this need an explanation? Well, I’ll provide a short one. He knows me well enough to know what I need—see numbers 1-5 and 7-13. He knows we need food, shelter, clothing. He knows I want affection and attention. He knows how to draw a nice hot bath, light some candles, turn on some soft music, and wash my back, and then….
And, not to worry...I get it AND I give it.
7. He shows and tells me that he loves me. He calls me, brings me flowers, takes me to dinner, displays affection in public, etc. every now and again.
8. He does not need a performance from me in order to earn his love.
9. He keeps his promises! His word is his bond. If he says he will, he does.
10. No one can influence his opinion of me in a negative way.
11. He is intimate with me. And not just physical intimacy. I describe intimacy as open and frequent communication, having close contact over a period of time, building my trust and confidence in him through words and actions, which will lead towards becoming endeared one to another.
12.He cannot disown me. I am a part of him/he is a part of me.
13. He covers me and doesn’t expose me. This one is real important. He will accept me, flaws and all, and cover me where I need it. He will not expose my short-comings (or my sins) to the world. He is connected to me/and I to him, and will allow his strength to conceal my weaknesses. He will sit on my secrets and not reveal them to my friends or to my enemies. He will provide a defense for my emotions, guarding my inner-most thoughts and feelings.
Is this too much to expect from a man? I don't think so, especially if he’s expecting the same in return. You see, I not only want to receive this kind of love, but to give it as well. Now I'm talking about “Old Skool Love”. I call it that Big Mama and Big Daddy loving from sun-up to sun-down kind of love. That Sunday evening- rain is gently pitter-pattering on the roof kind of love. That slow-roasted, flavorful, melt in your mouth-not in your hand kind of love. A love that is like fine wine— gets better with time. Yeah, that good love.
A man ought to reflect God's love when he loves a woman. God created man and woman to love one another--a woman is her man's helpmate. Woman was not taken from man's feet in order to walk on him or be walked on by him, nor from his head to be over him, nor from his back to be the tail, but from his rib, in order to be by his side. What two can walk together if they do not agree?
I'm ready to start walking...Now if I could only find someone to walk with...
Simply Beautiful

My Big Mama in Me

This post is dedicated to my 'Big Mama'. For those not familiar with the term, I'm speaking of my grandmother. She happens to be my paternal grandma, or in everyday terms, my daddy's mama. In honor of the anniversary of her birthday, I'm going to take some time to remember her in the way that only I can. You see, I never got to see Big Mama through 'grown up eyes'. What I mean is, all of my memories of her are during my childhood. I was 17 years-old when Big Mama went home to be with the Lord. But, the many memories I have are filled with her warmth, strength, and joy, all made from scratch like her hot buttered biscuits. LOL.
I'd like to think that I am very much like her; a charming, graceful woman with a ready smile. She was a woman of character, she believed right was right, wrong was wrong. She was a woman with a deep, quiet strength. She had a sense of centeredness. She loved her God and loved her family. She was a predictable, yet mysterious woman. But, you knew who she was because her personality never changed. She always treated you with dignity and respect, no matter your age, race, or gender. Her level of respect would never change. She could be so serious at times. When there was work to be done, she meant for you to get to it--no dawdling, no excuses. But when the work was through, then you would see the side of her that was playful and free.
She had certain air about her, and a certain flair that was right there on the very 'tip of your tongue', but you just couldn't quite figure out. It's like she was so charming that she could always stay one step ahead of you, never allowing you to catch up, but you were allowed to follow as if she were the pied piper. She exuded confidence and self-assuredness. She had a proud walk. I'm told I have it, too. She would walk like she had the biggest, juiciest secret stored right there in her bosom. And, if you'd only be good, on your bestest of behavior, she'd take that secret, split it two, dress it up with honey and butter and share it with you--each and every delightful bite.
She loved life and loved to laugh. She enjoyed good conversation, as well reading and journaling. (Looks like she passed it on, huh?) She was especially fond of current events and history. She loved the arts--music, poetry, recitations and plays. She knew the value of a good education. She knew that ed ucating oneself, whether through public or private school systems, college or university, or self-educating through the reading of books, magazines, news and other publications, would bring personal satisfaction, fulfillment and hopefully a good paying job!

One of my favorite memories as a child occurred when I was about 6 or 7 years old. My older brother and I would spend a couple of weeks or so during the summer with Big Mama and Big Daddy in the country. We would take long walks down their dirt road, or go visit the 'hog pen', or just play in all of that red sand. Sometimes we'd go up the dirt road to visit with great- Aunt Juanita and great-Uncle Buck. But one particular day, we stayed inside and listened to records. For you youngsters, that's like a CD, except it played on a phonograph/record player and oftentimes there was only one song on each side. Well, Big Mama was feeling pretty playful. She came in from the kitchen and reached up on top of the shelf and pulled down a record. She put in on the phonograph player, then reached up again and brought down a wig. She put the wig on her head and started the phonograph player. It was 'Proud Mary' by Ike and Tina Turner. You know, " rolling....rolling....rolling on the river...." Big Mama began to lipsync with the song...not only that, but she moved her hips in rhythm with the music. She even swung her head around like the Ikettes, on the instrumental part (being careful not to lose her wig, of course!) Ohmygoodness! We rolled! My conservative, Christian, laid-back, easy going grandmother was lipsyncing, dancing and head swinging to 'Proud Mary'! If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I never would have believed it!
That day I saw a different side of Big Mama--and I liked it very much. I found that she had a fun, playful side. I'd only seen the Big Mama that made sure all the chores were done. This Big Mama was spontaneous, hilarious, and a pretty good lipsyncer and dancer! LOL
Just one last thing about my Big Mama. I'd always felt a 'strange' closeness with her. I say "strange" not meaning weird, but meaning unusual. It was not only a physical closeness we shared, because she loved her hugs and kisses, but she and I shared a mental closeness. You see, even as a child, I could be serious and then suddenly whimsical. I could be studious and curious, and in the very next vain, be nonchalant and carefree. Big Mama, it seemed, KNEW me. She understood what made me tick. She knew my likes and dislikes. She knew that I was a good child, one who would not need constant watching, but who would need stern instruction. She knew all about me and accepted every fiber. She knew I'd love to read and write when I got older. She knew I was a little tomboy at heart, loving to run and play in the dirt. She also knew as a child that I couldn't sta-a-a-and to keep shoes on my feet! ( and still can't as an adult! smile)
How did she know all of this about me? Is it because she saw herself in me? Perhaps she saw herself in the way I walk, or heard herself in the way I talk, or even perhaps caught a glimpse of me making one of her facial expressions? Whatever it was that she saw or heard, she let me know she loved me for me, and willingly embraced me.
Even though she's been gone for a time, I can still feel her love--I feel her warmth---I feel her care and acceptance. How? Well, it's right here. (sound affect: tapping on glass) When I look in the mirror, I can't help but to see--- my Big Mama in me.

Happy Birthday, Big Mama!

I love you!

November 8, 1921- December 28, 1981.

( P.S. Please forgive me for being late. I experienced technical difficulties. Laptops are nice when you can get them to charge.)