Friday, January 6, 2012
Happy New Year!
Greetings Dear Readers! Happy 2012! I said I would post my goals for 2012..so here I go. This year I will start a second stream of income and work on getting into Grad school, and I'm taking a real vacation this year--not just taking time off and staying home. Even though being off is nice, going somewhere is better! And I'm committed to some personal changes as well--like no more procrastination, reading and studying God's Word and trusting God more. That's all I can think of now. There's a lot of things I'd like to do, but I don't want to try to take on too much. I will update you dear readers soon! Much love to you! simply beautiful.
Friday, December 23, 2011
It's That Time Again!
Hi Readers!
I'm sorry for the delay in posting. I've been kinda busy. You know, just one thing after another...and another. Anyway, it is that time again! It's time to set goals for 2012. The one thing I will not do is rehash the goals from 2011. If I didn't get it done, well...I just didn' t get it done. And what I did get done, I'll continue to do. I've really been thinking about this. I'm sort of torn. Do I really want to create another list or just live life as it comes? I definitely enjoy having a list as a guide. It helps me to envision where I'm going, what I need to do to get there and what I need to develop to stay there! So...for 2012 I'll post a whole new set of goals....as soon as I can get them together in my head so I can put it in writing. I'll update again soon! Really...I will. There's 8 days left in the year so I know I've got to grt crackin'.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Silence is a Lie
Hi Readers! I apologize for not posting for a while. It always seems like yesterday I said I was going to do better...and when I turn around yesterday was almost 2 months. Well, if I'm all forgiven then I'll just move on to writing. As you all know, I recently got my own place and this blog will explain one of the reasons. It's really hard to admit, but I believe that I will feel better once I get this out. I've been doing some studying lately and I found that confession is good...and confession is painful. But what I also learned is that confession heals, delivers, and sets free. And there are some things I want to be totally free from. I found this quote by Yvegeny Yvetushenko, a Russian poet, that I was quite enlightened by. Who would have thought that a black woman from Texas would find something in common with a Russian? Just goes to show that people is just people...no matter what part of the world or what race or gender. Any way, he said " When truth is replaced by silence, then the silence is a lie." I've been silent about the truth...and I'm tired of the lie.
So here I go...revealing another 'secret'. For about the last 10-15 years, my mom has been a hoarder. She buys things...dishes, vases, t.v.'s, dvd players, etc. that she's never used...never even opened. She has plenty of nice things, but no place to display them, because they are all stacked on top of each other. It has been a difficult life... not answering the door when people drop by unexpectedly, and then not answering the phone when they call...knowing that someone's home...never, not ever having friends or family over. My greatest disappointment was when my brother died. We couldn't have anyone over to comfort us, or bring us a meal, or pray with us. There's no place to sit, I couldn't offer them a glass of water, I couldn't promise they wouldn't have something crawling near or on them. We had to have the funeral car meet us at my aunt's house to go to the funeral. That was so hurtful and embarrassing and such a dishonor to my brother's memory.
While living there, I found that I was constantly irritable and agitated. I loathed going to the house after work. It was never home---(home is love, comfort, peace and joy, etc. , and we just didn't have it.)
One thing I came to realize is that people are quick to judge. They think you're being bourgie when you're just trying to protect yourself from embarrassment. If other family members could see the house, I know the first things they are going to say..."why do you live like this? why don't you just clean up?" It wasn't that simple. Many times I wished it was. But, hoarding is a serious illness, not just a bad habit. The person suffers from some sort of mental anguish that tells them that they need to hold on to things.. a lot of things... from useful and practical things to totally useless and impractical, broken, dirty things. There is no reasoning with her...no bargaining..no amount of pleading, no amount of pushing. I've tried all of that. I tried professional help, but she refuses. She doesn't see that she has a problem, it's always someone else that has a problem. As always, the first step to healing is to admit to self that there is a problem.
Because of this, I just couldn't deal with the stress anymore. I got out of the situation for my own self sanity. My family--aunts, uncles and cousins --think I'm the worst daughter for leaving my mom when she is so sick--I feel bad about it, but I've done the best I can do. I tried to help by being compassionate and taking her slowly...but it seems I did more harm than good. So I have totally given the situation to God.
You see, she's not the only one who suffers. My dad, my son and I suffer too. Not just because the house is unsanitary, and there's nowhere to sit, nowhere to cook, no way to have a normal life...but we have to watch her slowly die from the ailments caused by her excessive need for stuff. Yes, breathing debris when you are already asthmatic will have dire effects. So, I can endure the family's disapproval...as hard as that is. The even harder part for me is watching my mom lose her vitality, her spirit...and her life...all because it seems she loves her stuff more than her family...even herself. And as difficult as it is, I feel that it's best for me to walk away and leave her to what she thinks she wants.
The reason I chose to write about this is because it's eating me up inside. I'm praying to God to free me from the effects her hoarding has cause me and my son. Writing and praying about it is a release for me. And who knows, my writing about it just might help somebody else.
simply beautiful
.
So here I go...revealing another 'secret'. For about the last 10-15 years, my mom has been a hoarder. She buys things...dishes, vases, t.v.'s, dvd players, etc. that she's never used...never even opened. She has plenty of nice things, but no place to display them, because they are all stacked on top of each other. It has been a difficult life... not answering the door when people drop by unexpectedly, and then not answering the phone when they call...knowing that someone's home...never, not ever having friends or family over. My greatest disappointment was when my brother died. We couldn't have anyone over to comfort us, or bring us a meal, or pray with us. There's no place to sit, I couldn't offer them a glass of water, I couldn't promise they wouldn't have something crawling near or on them. We had to have the funeral car meet us at my aunt's house to go to the funeral. That was so hurtful and embarrassing and such a dishonor to my brother's memory.
While living there, I found that I was constantly irritable and agitated. I loathed going to the house after work. It was never home---(home is love, comfort, peace and joy, etc. , and we just didn't have it.)
One thing I came to realize is that people are quick to judge. They think you're being bourgie when you're just trying to protect yourself from embarrassment. If other family members could see the house, I know the first things they are going to say..."why do you live like this? why don't you just clean up?" It wasn't that simple. Many times I wished it was. But, hoarding is a serious illness, not just a bad habit. The person suffers from some sort of mental anguish that tells them that they need to hold on to things.. a lot of things... from useful and practical things to totally useless and impractical, broken, dirty things. There is no reasoning with her...no bargaining..no amount of pleading, no amount of pushing. I've tried all of that. I tried professional help, but she refuses. She doesn't see that she has a problem, it's always someone else that has a problem. As always, the first step to healing is to admit to self that there is a problem.
Because of this, I just couldn't deal with the stress anymore. I got out of the situation for my own self sanity. My family--aunts, uncles and cousins --think I'm the worst daughter for leaving my mom when she is so sick--I feel bad about it, but I've done the best I can do. I tried to help by being compassionate and taking her slowly...but it seems I did more harm than good. So I have totally given the situation to God.
You see, she's not the only one who suffers. My dad, my son and I suffer too. Not just because the house is unsanitary, and there's nowhere to sit, nowhere to cook, no way to have a normal life...but we have to watch her slowly die from the ailments caused by her excessive need for stuff. Yes, breathing debris when you are already asthmatic will have dire effects. So, I can endure the family's disapproval...as hard as that is. The even harder part for me is watching my mom lose her vitality, her spirit...and her life...all because it seems she loves her stuff more than her family...even herself. And as difficult as it is, I feel that it's best for me to walk away and leave her to what she thinks she wants.
The reason I chose to write about this is because it's eating me up inside. I'm praying to God to free me from the effects her hoarding has cause me and my son. Writing and praying about it is a release for me. And who knows, my writing about it just might help somebody else.
simply beautiful
.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Can you believe this?
Note: Read with caution. This is a tough issue about abortion.
I couldn't sleep last night, so I went on line and read some news hoping that would get me sleepy. What did I do that for? Instead it got me incised! That is a word, isn't it? Enraged, mad, upset...made me wanna say, "what the ....!!!!" While reading the news, I stumbled across this story. It's gotta be a story...somebody tell me it ain't real. There is a lady in Idaho suing the state because she can not get a legal abortion after twenty weeks or more. The experts say that at twenty weeks the fetus can feel pain, and therefore it is inhumane to abort. Mmmmmm. This same lady was pregnant in June, but with her sisters help aborted the baby by taken a mix of pills they got off the internet. She was approximately six months into the pregnancy and authorities found the fetus in a box in her home. Her reason for not having the baby is because she's single. unemployed. AND already has three other children.
Yeah...just let that marinate.
Okay why is it that no one is asking the obvious questions? Why is she having SEX if she doesn't want anymore children? And since she's having sex, why not use protection? And my personal favorite...where do the baby daddy be at?!!!
Okay, okay. I know--don't ask such things. But, I am so tired of people...women in particular...behaving badly and sweeping that behavior problem under the rug. I guess it's true that people have a right to do what they want to do. But remember, God is still watching. So, I am clamering down from my soapbox now. Please continue with your normal activities. Yes, yes, carry on. And if your normal activities should happen to include sex, use some type of birth control if you don't want kids. I don't want to read about you in the news suing the state because of your own self behavior.
simply beautiful.
I couldn't sleep last night, so I went on line and read some news hoping that would get me sleepy. What did I do that for? Instead it got me incised! That is a word, isn't it? Enraged, mad, upset...made me wanna say, "what the ....!!!!" While reading the news, I stumbled across this story. It's gotta be a story...somebody tell me it ain't real. There is a lady in Idaho suing the state because she can not get a legal abortion after twenty weeks or more. The experts say that at twenty weeks the fetus can feel pain, and therefore it is inhumane to abort. Mmmmmm. This same lady was pregnant in June, but with her sisters help aborted the baby by taken a mix of pills they got off the internet. She was approximately six months into the pregnancy and authorities found the fetus in a box in her home. Her reason for not having the baby is because she's single. unemployed. AND already has three other children.
Yeah...just let that marinate.
Okay why is it that no one is asking the obvious questions? Why is she having SEX if she doesn't want anymore children? And since she's having sex, why not use protection? And my personal favorite...where do the baby daddy be at?!!!
Okay, okay. I know--don't ask such things. But, I am so tired of people...women in particular...behaving badly and sweeping that behavior problem under the rug. I guess it's true that people have a right to do what they want to do. But remember, God is still watching. So, I am clamering down from my soapbox now. Please continue with your normal activities. Yes, yes, carry on. And if your normal activities should happen to include sex, use some type of birth control if you don't want kids. I don't want to read about you in the news suing the state because of your own self behavior.
simply beautiful.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Update on Goals for 2011
Hello Good People!
Look at me! Posting 2 days in a row! Wooo-Hoo! I told you I'd do better. :)
I've been reading over the blog today, making changes and such and I discovered I have not given an update on the goals I posted for this year. I'm so glad to report that I have accomplished much. I still have some work to do ( isn't it always that way, though? ) but I've got a lot to be proud of.
1. believe. My faith has increased tremendously. God has moved in my life and I'm doing things I only dreamed of doing. My faith continues to increase day by day. God is awesome!
2. go back to school. This is a work in progress.
3.write more. I haven't stopped writing, I just haven't posted. I'm doing more of both as of right now.
4. pray more. Oh yeah...in everthing give thanks!
5.love. WoW. I didn't know when I wrote this several months ago that I would be challenged in this area. I'm having that issue right now--loving unconditionally even when people wrong you. Well not just people--Love even though family members talk about you and spread false information...maintain unconditional love when church members look at you crazy for saying 'good morning'. Yeah. good stuff.
6.read more. I am working on expanding the subject materials that I read and to read daily.
7.learn to shoot. Ya girl is licensed to carry and I have attended and passed shooting/safety class. I'm ready to purchase...so govern yourselves accordingly.
8.lower my tolerance for other people's foolishness. This is tied into #5. I've learned that there are some people I can only love from afar. One thing I learned is the more foolishness I tolerate, the more foolishness they bring. So, I've lowered my tolerance for foolishness --I cut it off, I walk away, I hang up the phone, (in their face if need be! ) and I raised my ability to love unconditionally. I never thought they'd go hand in hand.
9. encourage myself. WoW. that's a tough one. I'm always encouraging others and I've found that I have to turn some of that inward. Not everyone will encourage you because 1) they don't want to see you doing better than they are; or 2)they are so caught up in their own grief that they can't see far enough outside themselves to even wish you 'good day'; or 3) they too busy keeping up mess and couldn't say an encouraging word if they tried.
10. My favorite--taking 'me' time with God. Yes, I've increased the time I spend alone with God and I'm working on making even more time.
11. find a worthy cause and get involved. I haven't found just one cause to consistently be involved in, but I've volunteered in the youth department in my church. It's fun working with the little ones. But my goal by the end of the year is to be consistently involved in working with food banks/feeding the homeless, fighting Heart disease in Women (go red for women), HIV/AIDS organizations and helping youth in music. There are so many worthy causes that need volunteers and donations. And guess what?...it all ties back into #5....love.
take it light. stay cool during this time of hundred and hell degrees. and love unconditionally.
simply beautiful
.
Look at me! Posting 2 days in a row! Wooo-Hoo! I told you I'd do better. :)
I've been reading over the blog today, making changes and such and I discovered I have not given an update on the goals I posted for this year. I'm so glad to report that I have accomplished much. I still have some work to do ( isn't it always that way, though? ) but I've got a lot to be proud of.
1. believe. My faith has increased tremendously. God has moved in my life and I'm doing things I only dreamed of doing. My faith continues to increase day by day. God is awesome!
2. go back to school. This is a work in progress.
3.write more. I haven't stopped writing, I just haven't posted. I'm doing more of both as of right now.
4. pray more. Oh yeah...in everthing give thanks!
5.love. WoW. I didn't know when I wrote this several months ago that I would be challenged in this area. I'm having that issue right now--loving unconditionally even when people wrong you. Well not just people--Love even though family members talk about you and spread false information...maintain unconditional love when church members look at you crazy for saying 'good morning'. Yeah. good stuff.
6.read more. I am working on expanding the subject materials that I read and to read daily.
7.learn to shoot. Ya girl is licensed to carry and I have attended and passed shooting/safety class. I'm ready to purchase...so govern yourselves accordingly.
8.lower my tolerance for other people's foolishness. This is tied into #5. I've learned that there are some people I can only love from afar. One thing I learned is the more foolishness I tolerate, the more foolishness they bring. So, I've lowered my tolerance for foolishness --I cut it off, I walk away, I hang up the phone, (in their face if need be! ) and I raised my ability to love unconditionally. I never thought they'd go hand in hand.
9. encourage myself. WoW. that's a tough one. I'm always encouraging others and I've found that I have to turn some of that inward. Not everyone will encourage you because 1) they don't want to see you doing better than they are; or 2)they are so caught up in their own grief that they can't see far enough outside themselves to even wish you 'good day'; or 3) they too busy keeping up mess and couldn't say an encouraging word if they tried.
10. My favorite--taking 'me' time with God. Yes, I've increased the time I spend alone with God and I'm working on making even more time.
11. find a worthy cause and get involved. I haven't found just one cause to consistently be involved in, but I've volunteered in the youth department in my church. It's fun working with the little ones. But my goal by the end of the year is to be consistently involved in working with food banks/feeding the homeless, fighting Heart disease in Women (go red for women), HIV/AIDS organizations and helping youth in music. There are so many worthy causes that need volunteers and donations. And guess what?...it all ties back into #5....love.
take it light. stay cool during this time of hundred and hell degrees. and love unconditionally.
simply beautiful
.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Greetings!
It's been a while since I've updated --so sorry. I'll do better. I promise. I've just been so busy for the last few months. For one thing, I've moved. It was quite a job moving my home and workplace all at once. I'm definitely loving my new home. It's nice and quiet...and it feels like home. I don't have the stress and strife that I had where I lived before. I don't have much, but at the same time I have more than I had before. That sounds like an oxymoron, doesn't it? I don't have much--I'm in need of some furniture. You know...a couch, some chairs, tables, a bed, etc. But I have more than I had before in that I have peace of mind. I have peace--no one yelling and throwing monkey poop fits at the drop of a dime makes a big difference! There's just no amount of money that can take the place of the feeling you have when you have reached the place called 'peace of mind'. And now that I've got peace, I find it's companion has also moved in with me...I also have joy.
Well, I haven't had a chance to get with my Auntie yet. I know you all think I'm an idiot...all that big talk and still no resolution?!! I still want to get together with her, so I'm gonna put it on my to do list to email her in a few days to suggest we get together! How's that for action? I'm puttin' on my 'to do list'. LOL. I really miss her and would like to sit and chat.
Well, this might be enough for now. I've got to go take a test today in Advance Bible Study. Yeah, your girl is trying to get some knowledge. Only thing is, my instructor said the test would be next week, but he changed his mind and decided to test tonight because he knows that nobody studied. He's a slick one. But he's right. I've been waiting for the class tonight so that I'd know what I needed to memorize...uh study for the test next week. Pray my strength.
It's been a while since I've updated --so sorry. I'll do better. I promise. I've just been so busy for the last few months. For one thing, I've moved. It was quite a job moving my home and workplace all at once. I'm definitely loving my new home. It's nice and quiet...and it feels like home. I don't have the stress and strife that I had where I lived before. I don't have much, but at the same time I have more than I had before. That sounds like an oxymoron, doesn't it? I don't have much--I'm in need of some furniture. You know...a couch, some chairs, tables, a bed, etc. But I have more than I had before in that I have peace of mind. I have peace--no one yelling and throwing monkey poop fits at the drop of a dime makes a big difference! There's just no amount of money that can take the place of the feeling you have when you have reached the place called 'peace of mind'. And now that I've got peace, I find it's companion has also moved in with me...I also have joy.
Well, I haven't had a chance to get with my Auntie yet. I know you all think I'm an idiot...all that big talk and still no resolution?!! I still want to get together with her, so I'm gonna put it on my to do list to email her in a few days to suggest we get together! How's that for action? I'm puttin' on my 'to do list'. LOL. I really miss her and would like to sit and chat.
Well, this might be enough for now. I've got to go take a test today in Advance Bible Study. Yeah, your girl is trying to get some knowledge. Only thing is, my instructor said the test would be next week, but he changed his mind and decided to test tonight because he knows that nobody studied. He's a slick one. But he's right. I've been waiting for the class tonight so that I'd know what I needed to memorize...uh study for the test next week. Pray my strength.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Taking the Journey to He who is Within
As I go along, I often find that my life and what I write will intertwine at times. This is one of those times. I'd set 11 goals for 2011 and I am well on my way to fulfill them. Number one of the list is to believe...or have faith. A great faith. More than faith the size of a mustard seed. I need a big faith. Like Abraham's faith. Or Moses's faith.
You know, Hebrews eleven and one faith. For by it the elders obtained a good testimony. (Hebrews 11:2)
So let me tell you what's happened. I said in my last entry that one should "go back to those you've wronged or you feel have wronged you-- apologize and set things in order, because you believe." So if you were wronged or were the one to do someone else wrong doesn't matter--go and apologize and get the relationship straight. Well, I feel that I was wronged by some family members several years ago. Ever since that happened I decided to 'isolate' and 'insulate' myself from them. I just get tired of being taken advantage of, looked over, and looked at like I'm crazy. So I just declined any invitations to have dinner or otherwise be involved with family members. Well, you've got to know me. I'm big on family. I'm the one who organizes events and invites people to this and that.
So what's happened is, one of my aunts emailed me last week and said that she's concerned that she has not seen me for a while ( almost 2 years) and that she misses having me around. She told me she loves me and really extended the olive branch. She said that we need to get together and just chat..we could have breakfast or lunch, or dinner...or go for some drinks...catch a movie...go to church...or even go to a club...(now that's stretching it) whatever-- just as long as we get together. Now I was moved by this, but if you know anything about simply beautiful, you know she's skeptical. Is Auntie just trying to set me up to tear me down? again. Or is Auntie really extending an olive branch, 4 really real? I have to admit, I cried and cried the day I read the email. This doesn't usually happen to me. I'm the one who plays 'mediator' between disputing folks. I'm the one apologizes for wrongs real or imagined, whether I did wrong or I am the one who was wronged. I'm the one who tries to 'do the right thing'. But not this time. I was just too hurt. And I didn't even realize how hurt and angry I was until I got her email. I'd been walking around all this time acting like I'm impenetrable, and all strong and nothing gets to me. I lied when I just said I didn't know it. I knew it. I just didn't know the hurt ran so deep. Now, I'm not used to this...I didn't even know how to respond because I'm usually on the other end of things. I'm used to people steamrolling over me and getting up with a smile saying, 'I'm okay'. I'm good". Not any more. I have to admit that I'm hurt and I'm angry and get this monkey off my back so that I can move forward. I couldn't believe that someone was actually coming to me to say 'sorry, I did you wrong. Let's make amends'. At first, I didn't know what I was going to do.
Well, I thought about it for several days after I got the email and finally came to the conclusion that I will take a chance. I love my Auntie. We'd always had a very good relationship--we love the Lord, we love family, we enjoy a lot of the same activities, and some even say we look alike. And also, it dawned on me. I have to live the life that I write about. How can I suggest that you believe and have faith, that you allow God to be God in your life, that you go back and set things in order if I'm not willing to do the same?
So...here I go. Taking the journey to forgiveness, to love, and to He who is within.
simply beautiful
You know, Hebrews eleven and one faith. For by it the elders obtained a good testimony. (Hebrews 11:2)
So let me tell you what's happened. I said in my last entry that one should "go back to those you've wronged or you feel have wronged you-- apologize and set things in order, because you believe." So if you were wronged or were the one to do someone else wrong doesn't matter--go and apologize and get the relationship straight. Well, I feel that I was wronged by some family members several years ago. Ever since that happened I decided to 'isolate' and 'insulate' myself from them. I just get tired of being taken advantage of, looked over, and looked at like I'm crazy. So I just declined any invitations to have dinner or otherwise be involved with family members. Well, you've got to know me. I'm big on family. I'm the one who organizes events and invites people to this and that.
So what's happened is, one of my aunts emailed me last week and said that she's concerned that she has not seen me for a while ( almost 2 years) and that she misses having me around. She told me she loves me and really extended the olive branch. She said that we need to get together and just chat..we could have breakfast or lunch, or dinner...or go for some drinks...catch a movie...go to church...or even go to a club...(now that's stretching it) whatever-- just as long as we get together. Now I was moved by this, but if you know anything about simply beautiful, you know she's skeptical. Is Auntie just trying to set me up to tear me down? again. Or is Auntie really extending an olive branch, 4 really real? I have to admit, I cried and cried the day I read the email. This doesn't usually happen to me. I'm the one who plays 'mediator' between disputing folks. I'm the one apologizes for wrongs real or imagined, whether I did wrong or I am the one who was wronged. I'm the one who tries to 'do the right thing'. But not this time. I was just too hurt. And I didn't even realize how hurt and angry I was until I got her email. I'd been walking around all this time acting like I'm impenetrable, and all strong and nothing gets to me. I lied when I just said I didn't know it. I knew it. I just didn't know the hurt ran so deep. Now, I'm not used to this...I didn't even know how to respond because I'm usually on the other end of things. I'm used to people steamrolling over me and getting up with a smile saying, 'I'm okay'. I'm good". Not any more. I have to admit that I'm hurt and I'm angry and get this monkey off my back so that I can move forward. I couldn't believe that someone was actually coming to me to say 'sorry, I did you wrong. Let's make amends'. At first, I didn't know what I was going to do.
Well, I thought about it for several days after I got the email and finally came to the conclusion that I will take a chance. I love my Auntie. We'd always had a very good relationship--we love the Lord, we love family, we enjoy a lot of the same activities, and some even say we look alike. And also, it dawned on me. I have to live the life that I write about. How can I suggest that you believe and have faith, that you allow God to be God in your life, that you go back and set things in order if I'm not willing to do the same?
So...here I go. Taking the journey to forgiveness, to love, and to He who is within.
simply beautiful
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