I cried when I read this. You see, nobody knows what I'm going through. I haven't told anyone. If I told you how I live, you wouldn't believe me. If I told you what I go through, just to make it day to day-you'd think I was lying. If I showed you, you'd cry and ask me why I do it. Right now I have no choice. It is a burden to have no alternatives. I'm sure I'm not the only one--but right now I feel like it. I can feel the words Tyler wrote, I literally see them--because it's me. I have been close--many times-- to giving up. There are days that I tell God that I just want to walk away and leave everything and everyone behind. You don't know the hell that I've been through, that I'm going through sharing this with you. My only sibling, my older brother died in June 2007--sometimes I'm fine..sometimes I grieve like he died today. My parents are no longer together, something that's been a looong time coming, but only came about because my brother died. Nobody talks about the pain--of losing my brother nor of my parents' separation. Nobody talks about the future--will my parents divorce already? or will they continue with the charade as if they are together and a happy family? I'm being really transparent and allowing you to see inside of me, which is quite difficult. I know that I could not make it from day to day if I didn't have God in my life. If I didn't have my son, I'd have nothing to live for. There are days that I double over--not because of some physical ailment that causes me pain--but from the pain in my soul. I am sometimes overtaken with grief and the pain inside. I am the familys' 'appointed' peacemaker, the mediator that no one listens to--and it is a burden. But, I go on as if it doesn't matter. I smile through the pain. I cry and wipe away my tears to put on yet another smile for another day. I hold my head high and keep walking like I don't have a care in the world. But underneath it all, my head hurts and my heart aches.
But, God is good and His mercy endures forever. God has given me a promise-- and He is preparing me for the next thing that comes into my life. I've got to move on, move out and move up. The next step in my life requires it. I can't stay where I am and receive the things I'm to receive. I must put new wine in new wineskins, for God has opened doors for me. He's a light unto my path, or in today's language, He's "mapquested" my route. Now all I have to do is walk. I have His favor. And He will use somebody, somewhere to offer their influence, finances, gifts and abilities that will allow me to fulfill the purpose that He has for me!
Before I close, let me remind you: Live. Love. Laugh. and don't forget to pee.