Silence is a Lie

Hi Readers! I apologize for not posting for a while. It always seems like yesterday I said I was going to do better...and when I turn around yesterday was almost 2 months. Well, if I'm all forgiven then I'll just move on to writing. As you all know, I recently got my own place and this blog will explain one of the reasons. It's really hard to admit, but I believe that I will feel better once I get this out. I've been doing some studying lately and I found that confession is good...and confession is painful. But what I also learned is that confession heals, delivers, and sets free. And there are some things I want to be totally free from. I found this quote by Yvegeny Yvetushenko, a Russian poet, that I was quite enlightened by. Who would have thought that a black woman from Texas would find something in common with a Russian? Just goes to show that people is just people...no matter what part of the world or what race or gender. Any way, he said " When truth is replaced by silence, then the silence is a lie." I've been silent about the truth...and I'm tired of the lie.
So here I go...revealing another 'secret'. For about the last 10-15 years, my mom has been a hoarder. She buys things...dishes, vases, t.v.'s, dvd players, etc. that she's never used...never even opened. She has plenty of nice things, but no place to display them, because they are all stacked on top of each other. It has been a difficult life... not answering the door when people drop by unexpectedly, and then not answering the phone when they call...knowing that someone's home...never, not ever having friends or family over. My greatest disappointment was when my brother died. We couldn't have anyone over to comfort us, or bring us a meal, or pray with us. There's no place to sit, I couldn't offer them a glass of water, I couldn't promise they wouldn't have something crawling near or on them. We had to have the funeral car meet us at my aunt's house to go to the funeral. That was so hurtful and embarrassing and such a dishonor to my brother's memory.

While living there, I found that I was constantly irritable and agitated. I loathed going to the house after work. It was never home---(home is love, comfort, peace and joy, etc. , and we just didn't have it.)
One thing I came to realize is that people are quick to judge. They think you're being bourgie when you're just trying to protect yourself from embarrassment. If other family members could see the house, I know the first things they are going to say..."why do you live like this? why don't you just clean up?" It wasn't that simple. Many times I wished it was. But, hoarding is a serious illness, not just a bad habit. The person suffers from some sort of mental anguish that tells them that they need to hold on to things.. a lot of things... from useful and practical things to totally useless and impractical, broken, dirty things. There is no reasoning with her...no bargaining..no amount of pleading, no amount of pushing. I've tried all of that. I tried professional help, but she refuses. She doesn't see that she has a problem, it's always someone else that has a problem. As always, the first step to healing is to admit to self that there is a problem.
Because of this, I just couldn't deal with the stress anymore. I got out of the situation for my own self sanity. My family--aunts, uncles and cousins --think I'm the worst daughter for leaving my mom when she is so sick--I feel bad about it, but I've done the best I can do. I tried to help by being compassionate and taking her slowly...but it seems I did more harm than good. So I have totally given the situation to God.
You see, she's not the only one who suffers. My dad, my son and I suffer too. Not just because the house is unsanitary, and there's nowhere to sit, nowhere to cook, no way to have a normal life...but we have to watch her slowly die from the ailments caused by her excessive need for stuff. Yes, breathing debris when you are already asthmatic will have dire effects. So, I can endure the family's disapproval...as hard as that is. The even harder part for me is watching my mom lose her vitality, her spirit...and her life...all because it seems she loves her stuff more than her family...even herself. And as difficult as it is, I feel that it's best for me to walk away and leave her to what she thinks she wants.

The reason I chose to write about this is because it's eating me up inside. I'm praying to God to free me from the effects her hoarding has cause me and my son. Writing and praying about it is a release for me. And who knows, my writing about it just might help somebody else.

simply beautiful
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He's Within Me

"Life is about pressing on despite the fear." Danielle Belton 

Everything that I'll ever need is within me. I can write my own future. I can live out my dreams. I can reach my goals. All that I have to do is BELIEVE. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (PHIL. 4:13). All of my help is from God--and where is God? He's within me!(copyright May 23, 2010. simply beautiful)

For the last four years, I've been working hard at making improvements in my life. During this journey, I have been told "no" more times than I care to even count. But one thing I've learned is that two letter word no longer carries the cold, harsh, incredible finality that I'd once given it, For me, "no" is  now a word that simply suggests try something else,.
Often we make the mistake of taking the word 'no' as a definitive answer, that the subject is finished, the fight is over, the victory is won by someone other than me. Not so. I have everything I need within me to write my own future, to live out my dreams, to right any wrongs, and to reach my goals. Despite fear, anxiety, embarrassment, or the disappointment, I must still press on. Press on pass the haters and the naysayers and all those negative connotations.

'No' is never the final answer when you have a promise from God. But the enemy wants you to think that it is.  When you're told 'no' that's the very time to pick up, dust off and go to war. There's an old gospel song that says, "take me back, take me back dear Lord where I first believed. So go back to the drawing board, go back to school, go back to your business plans, but go back because you believe. .

I want to thank Danielle Belton, The Black Snob, for her quote. She's inspired me to get back to my passion of writing. I see that I've been wrestling with things for too long. I've wasted too much time because I'd been brainwashed, hoodwinked, and bamboozled into 'stinking thinking'. But, I've come out of it now. And I'm ready to move forward. And you can too!

Good people, believe in God, believe in you and chase your dreams!

simply beautiful.


Check out Danielle Belton's award winning blog www.blacksnob.com

simply beautiful

Who is she? 5 foot three and 1/2 inches, my weight ain't your bidness! thank you, black hair (with a little gray mixed in for wisdom, mind you), pretty brown eyes, high cheekbones, small pouty lips, healthy hips and thighs, sweet disposition, wicked sense of humor, kinda smart too--definitely a smart mouth, anyway--works hard, goes to church often...real often, single mother...looking for a brother who will love her for who she is....
She is who? a child of God who is talked about, lied on, and made to think she don't matter to no one. She is on the outside looking in...because she doesn't quite fit in. People know her face but no one really takes the time to know her. Not even her own family. They say she's nothing. She's sexually promiscuous....that she's sneaky and bares watching. How can one who is celibate be promiscuous? Dear family, mum and dad... Don't you know me by now? Can't you see inside of me? I'm not who you think that I am....
I'm simply beautiful.

My People

The night is beautiful
so the faces of my people.

The stars are beautiful
so the eyes of my people.

Beautiful also is the sun
Beautiful also are the souls of my people.

Langston Hughes


poetry for the soul contributed by simply beautiful.

HIV/Aids Awareness in the Black Community

Today is National Black HIV/Aids Awareness Day. This topic is close to my heart for several reasons. There are many brothers and sisters who live with the virus. I make it a point to place something on my blog that will bring awareness that HIV/Aids is still rampant in the African-American community, because we don't hear this on the news. But please, make it a point to keep yourself updated on the lastest information. HIV/Aids is not going away. It can...if we educate ourselves, love and protect ourselves and one another.

Great websites to gain knowledge are www.BlackAids.org and www.ledgemagazine.com.


Get tested.
Know your status.
Protect yourself and your partner.

simply beautiful
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In Loving Memory

His life began: April 25, 1914 Departed this life for the next: November 9, 2009

Mr. Joe Columbus ...he's my "Big Daddy" (grandfather)

He's been the patriarch of the family--the oldest surviving son of Joe and Manerva. He lived all 95 of his years in the same area where he was born. Matter of fact, his father was born there too. Although most of his 9 brothers and sisters moved away from the area, he never did. He raised 13 children plus some of his grandchildren, nieces and nephews and helped his wife care for her elderly step-daddy. He never attended school beyond 3rd grade--and yet he was a smart man.
Big Daddy, you told me a few years ago that you were ready because all your friends had passed on. The love of your life, Katie Mae had passed. Your cousins, brothers and sisters, save your baby sister, were all gone too. And you said you were ready. There was no one left in your age group with whom you could relate. Well Big Daddy, you are finally home....rest in peace.

A Mother's Prayer

Being a single mom, I'm reminded each time I look into my child's face that I need to pray for him. This generation faces so much---so many things that I didn't have to contend with when I was his age and younger. The world has changed so much. Moms, let us remember that we are to always cover our children. Yes, it's important to give them shelter, food, clothing...to tend to their medical needs, their wants and even their desires. But the most awesome thing we can do for our child(ren) is to pray. I found this prayer on the internet and I tweeked it to my liking. It's simple and to the point. Borrow it, change it as needed and pray it as often as you like.

Heavenly Father,
I need your help today.
Please help me to care for the child(ren) You've sent into my life,
I want to help them develop the special gifts You've given them.
As mom, I want to free them to follow their own paths--
and not feel as though I am trying to live my life thru them.
Help me to embrace without clutching,
to support without suffocating,
to correct without crushing.
And help me to live joyfully and playfully,
so they can see Your life in me
Allow me to shine with Your Light so that
they may find their way to you.

Amen.

Happy Birthday simply beautiful!

I meant to update my blog on my actual birthday. Can you believe I forgot? Oh well. Happy Birthday to simply beautiful on Sunday, September 27, 2009. Many, many more!!

An Ode to Me
Beautiful Lady
Smile so sweet
Swing your hips,
Lick your Lips
Glide to your own beat.

Elusive Lady
Hard to find,
Smile your smile,
Dance your dance
Take a chance.

Wonderful Lady
Ever so graceful
So mysterious, yet so serious
trustworthy and faithful.

Pretty Lady
You’re so divine.
And so fine,
as vintage wine,
getting better with time.

Beautiful, Elusive Lady
Special, Tantalizing Lady.
So Wonderful and Pretty, too.
For all you are and all you do
This is an Ode to You
on this special day,
the anniversary of your birth
Celebrate your Worth!

written on September 27th, 2008 1102pm revised Sept. 28, 2009 c. Fort Worth TX USA simply beautiful
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Country RoadSide Evangelist

Funny story: I went out of town yesterday to check on my grandfather because he'd been placed in a nursing home. When I got to the town, I went to my uncle's house (which is next door to my granddad's house) and he had me follow him to the nursing home. Anyway, we got down the road from his house and there was a man standing beside his truck parked on the road. My dad asked me to stop so that he could speak to him. Well, they talked briefly about a couple of things and then the man confessed he is 80 years old. My mom, who had been silent up to this point, entered the conversation telling the man that he didn't look 80. ( He really didn't...the saying goes that black don't crack) So he goes into a mini sermon--"Oh, I give praise to God. He's the One who keeps me and sustains me. God is good! I give thanks to my Heavenly Father every morning that I wake up" and he goes on with all those cliche phrases one expects from someone who is saved, sanctified and filled with a mighty burning fire!! And my mom just egs him on.. 'Yes, God is good, give Him praise!' And they keep trading words back and forth & forth and back. Now, this goes on a while and I'm beginning to think to myself "I need to break this up so we can be on our way". Immabout to get out of my truck with a collection plate, take an offering & give a benediction! (There's nothing like axing for money to break thangs up! LOL!!) My uncle's up the road waiting for us all this time. After about a 5 minute round of 'God is good', 'Yes He is'--Backwood Country Roadside Baptist Pentacostal Sanctified African-American Methodist Episcopal Holyness Christian Center of the Cactus, Red Dirt, and Cattle could finally depart to serve.
So, at lunch, my uncle brought up the fact that the guy talked a long time and that was unusual for him. So I told my uncle about the roadside church service we had.
His response?
It was....Priceless. My uncle said....

"What?!! That man ain't been to church in 15 years!!!"

.......All I got to say is.......If God can use a donkey.....

Words for today

We're called to be witnesses,
not lawyers or judges.

Some minds are like concrete,
thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

You can tell how big a person is
by what it takes to discourage him.

and

Opportunity knocks once,
but temptation bangs on the door forever.

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Simply Beautiful's Writings

If you'd like to further 'see inside of me' you can check out my other blogs. (Yes, I manage 2 other blogs. ) They are: Like A Mighty Streaam and Woman at the Well.
A short synopsis:
Like A Mighty Stream is a blog about society. I mainly focus on sociological issues, social justice, and civil rights. It's a work in progress for sure, and I'd appreciate any feedback.
http://www.likeamightystream.blogspot.com/
Woman at the Well is a blog about my spiritual walk. I know that each one of us that is called by God is called to fulfill a certain purpose. Woman at the Well is about drawing from the spiritual fountain, Jesus Christ, on a daily basis in order to refuel and refresh oneself before, during and after ministry. Come to the well and receive what God has for you. A fresh anointing, a renewing of the mind, a rejuvenation of the spirit, and a rejoicing of the body. You'll come away with a bold new attitude!
http://www.madewholebytheword.blogspot.com


Continue to check out See Inside of Me. This is my first baby--and the baby's growing fast!
Thanks for your readership.

Love. Peace. and NeckBone Grease. (What?!! You KNOW you like dem neckbones, sweet po-tay- toes, and college greens!!! LOL!)

simply beautiful
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Happy Birthday, Carlton!!

June 22, 1961- June 16,2007

A word of encouragement

"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...it's about learning how to dance in the rain."

Stay in Your Lane

Gentle Readers,
I am in a situation I feel I can no longer bear. It's rough, and it keeps getting rougher. You see, somebody is doing somebody wrong. I see it every day. It gets under my skin. And to make it worse, the person who is being done wrong just doesn't seem to get it. I ask myself, 'How can you be that dumb?' I'm on the brink of just telling it all because the wrong-doer doesn't deserve to get away with this.
So I took it to God. And we had a good conversation about it. Do you know what He told me? He said, "This isn't your fight." 'But God, I see what's going on. How can I sit by idly and watch this person be done wrong?' "Hold your peace." But if I say something, if I do something this will straighten everything out". Finally, He says to me, "Stay in your lane".
Well Gentle Readers, that did it for me. You see, I've been in the middle of too many arguments confrontations, and too many silly fights. I've witnessed ashtrays, knives, guns and hedgers---you know, that garden tool used to trim bushes and such---being used as weapons. And it's not even my fight. I'm pulled in as the 'mediator no one listens to'. God said, "enough" a long time ago--but they're not listening. Somehow I just keep getting put in the middle. Although they aren't listening to God, this time, I am. Since this is not my fight--this is not my purpose--this is not the plan He has for me, I will keep my mouth shut and I will pray. I will let God do what God does best while I travel the mapquested journey that God has for me.
In closing Gentle Readers, the word of encouragement for the week is: Stay in your lane!

Take it Lite.
And as you travel the road God has paved for you,
don't forget to drop breadcrumbs!
Not so that you'll know how to get back--
Oh no! Never go back!!
Drop the breadcrumbs for the birds!
God's little creatures need to eat, too! LOL!!!

simply beautiful.
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the Word of God

To hear the Word of God is to
hear God Himself.
So read it, listen to it, reflect upon it, and
absorb it in your soul.

Ben Campbell Johnson
(from Discipleship Journal May/June 2009 issue)
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Distance yourself

Basically, I was reading over an earlier post and came across the Scripture reference about laying aside every weight that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. That 'spoke' to me. Because I'm in transition in my life, there are some things that I have to lay aside. There are some people I need to distance myself from. There are some places that I can no longer go. This is in order to get me where God needs me to be. It's funny how I can take someone else's situation and see myself in it. You see, my 20-year-old baby cousin, I'll call her G, is in a predicament. Her 'so-called' man is lazy, manipulative and overbearing. To add spice to the situation, she's expecting her first baby. I haven't met the 'so-called' man, but I really don't have to meet him to know him. Hell, I grew up with him-- (he's like my daddy, puts himself first) and then I even dated someone like him. I wish someone would have given me this same advice I'm about to give G.
Girl, run! You've made a mistake in choosing a partner, but you are young and resilient, you can recover. Remember, we fall down, but we get up? Go back to what you know. Get back in church, I mean really get in. Get people around you that will love and care for you and your baby...people who will cover you...prayerfully, mentally, spiritually, financially, and physically. If anybody offers you a helping hand...take it. Ain't no shame in needing help. The shame is in refusing to accept help when it's offered. And when you get on your feet, pay it forward--help somebody else. Yes, to go back where you came is shameful, humiliating, and painful even. But, that little humiliation will be easier to handle than if you stay on the present course.

And this part of the message is for both G and me: distance yourself from those who seek to do you more harm than good. These very people want to leech off of you, drain you, wear you down and leave you in a corner in a fetal position with your thumb in your mouth. They get pleasure from bringing you down --so that they themselves can look down on you and talk about you. They'd rather look down on you than allow you to rise ( cuz they can't help you rise!!) so that you can pull them up too. It's a shame, but some folk are like that. And they ain't always strangers. They are people who are close to you, like: your mama, daddy, a sibling, a cousin,  a friend, or teacher. You can't help but love them, they're important in your life. But sometimes you have to love them from a distance.
Remember, you have to be careful and prayerful about who you let in your life. And if by chance, the wrong person slips in--be quick about getting them out. Because honey, if they can't stand the call on your life from the Almighty, distance yourself from them-- don't wait for them to move. And after you distance yourself, as one of my Sunday School teacher's favorite quote goes: "Keep it Pushing!!" God's got something bigger and better just for you!

simply beautiful
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Prayer for Today

Our Father who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy name, Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done,
in earth as it is in heaven,
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who
trespass against us
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil
For Thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory
now and for ever
Amen.

How Does it Feel?

pictured here are Carlton and simply beautiful (about 2002)

I dedicate tonight's Graduation to my big brother, my mentor, my friend, my number one encourager-- Carlton. I love you!! R.I.P.

How does it feel to finally get something that you've been working towards for quite a while? That's the question I'm asking myself. How does I feel? I've been working towards a Bachelor's degree for a while now. And in approximately 3 1/2 hours from now I will officially receive a Bachelors Degree in Arts and Sciences in Sociology from Texas Wesleyan University, Fort Worth, TX.
I know, I know--people graduate all the time. Someone graduates felt they never would have made it. I'm sure there are more heartfelt stories than mine. But I still had to take the time to reminisce over the last two years especially. I'll go back to June 2007. During the spring, I'd applied as a transfer student but wasn't sure if I'd be admitted. I did fair at my previous school, but my first college experience was a failure. But, I'd heard from God that this would work out so I had to keep the faith. I got the call one Wednesday afternoon in early June that I'd been admitted. I shared the news with my brother who was ill at the time. He was so happy for me because he knew of my dream to return to school and finish my degree. The next Sunday, he went into the hospital. Early Saturday morning, he was dead. My whole world went into a tailspin. Never did it occur to me, not once did I consider not continuing my education because of my loss. The thought didn't cross my mind, because Carlton would have wanted me to go on.
So tonight's victory is not just for me--but for my big brother. Tonight I walk across that stage to show death that it has not won. Death comes to steal, kill and destroy. Death tried to steal my joy, kill my purpose, and destroy my dream. But God said "NO!!" And so in this situation, death still has no victory, it has no sting. (paraphrase John 10:10 and 1 Cor 15:55)
Tonight I proudly walk across that stage and accept my degree and remember that I made many, many sacrifices, none of which I regret. I passed up on going out with friends and family and as a result lost some friends--they didn't understand that I was in pursuit. I placed my love life on hold--I've delayed travels and vacations-- I sacrificed mid-week and Sunday evening church services and activities. I've even sacrificed eating and sleeping. But all of the hardship, working a full time job, being a full time mother and student, starting my day at 5am, late nights writing papers, reading homework assignments and finally ending my day at 1 or 2am, just to begin again at 5am.--times when I did not know where the bill/tuition/book/grocery money was coming from, not knowing if I had the physical or mental strength or the knowledge to even start or complete a project or a paper...all of the sacrifice has been worth it for this one night. Tonight when I will proudly walk across the stage, I will know it's because I persevered, I belong, and I deserve it.


simply beautiful

Hate on me Haters!!!

Hi Gentle Readers:
Ever felt like the whole world was against you? Umph--I have. As a matter of fact, I feel like that this very minute! I have so many people hatin' on me right now...it's unreal. The strange thing is, I don't know why they hatin'... I ain't did nobody none--really, I haven't (in my best whinnin' voice)
First of all, in this situation, I know that I have to encourage myself. This I know: Greater is He that is within me than he that is in the world(1John 4:4) AND as my pastor says, 'let 'em hate. That means God will bless and move on my behalf all the more and give my haters even more reason to hate!!' (I like that!!)
The thing about my haters is that they are persons who shouldn't be hatin'. (Aren't they always, though?) They are persons closest to me-- so they should be loving, caring, and supportive...you'd think?...but nooo...oooh dare I say it?....my haters are church and family members. Yep..they are. I've noticed in the last few weeks, that certain people are talking about me, not behind my back, mind you--like they are supposed to, but to my face. And giving me strange looks or just plain ol' igging me in conversations. What I usually do is just brushed it off as my imagination. But it keeps coming back time and time again, so I know there has to be something to it.
Can we just talk--you and me? Do you mind if I get real with you a moment and share this experience? See, I was at church---getting my praise and worship in, cuz you know, God is good!, and I hear my name whispered. OK--who's whispering my name while I'm in the middle of worship?!! So I think to myself, 'this must be pretty important, right? Maybe I should come out of worship to see if my skirt is caught up in my pantyhose or something....that can be too embarassing, you know...so I come out of worship for a moment--only to find this young lady is pointing at me and whispering something about me to her neighbor. So I say to myself, "Oops...that's not my conversation"--and I go back to worship. Now this is my thought--let me know if my thinking is wrong here: The praise and worship leader has taken us in. God's in the building. Blessing. Healing. Making miracles happen. And this person has NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN TO TALK ABOUT ME?!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!
The most important thing when the spirit is high is that we focus on God--give God His due. Give Him the honor, praise and worship He deserves. But no--this person decides not to give their attention to the Almighty God, but to meer (wo)man instead. WHAT?!! He is the God who woke us up this morning! Clothed in our right minds! Put food on the table! Gives life, breath, health and strength! I got news for you Ms. Whisperer Hater---I AIN'T DONE NONE OF THAT!!! and couldn't even if I wanted to!!!

Second hater issue...I'm on one of those social networks--you know the kind--where you have to be a member and all we do is talk (type) back and forth--forth and back. Well, I've got a cousin on therethat grew up with me. But after the debacle of 2001,we don't talk much--but anyway, it seems that from the time I announced I'm graduating from college--this cousin ignores me on the social network. Seems like when she realizes I'm on..she gets off. My son tells me, 'oh she just signed off and missed your comment.' No she didn't. She's dissin' me. But that's ok. Go 'head. Dis me. Cuz the more you dis me, the more I'll bless you. The more I bless you, the more I'm blessed. I'm not braggin or boastin on me. I'm braggin and boastin on the God in me. And if you choose to hate on me...hate on. Cuz it's not me you're hatin'.

As I sit and think about it, I'm reminded that I am not unique. They also hated on Jesus. Hated on Him so much that they sent soldiers to pick up an innocent Man in the middle of the night. They tried Him all night long, taking Him from courtroom to courtroom--all on trumped up charges. Hated Him so much that the crowd said let the guilty go free while an innocent Man was pronounced guilty. Hated Him so much that they beat him and spat on him and then they made Him carry a cross up Golgotha hill. Hated him so they put Him up on that cross between two thieves, put a crown of thorns on His head and mocked Him. And to think, He endured the haters, He gave His life, so that you and I can have eternal life. There's no need to ask 'what would Jesus do?' What He did is recorded in Luke for all to read. But in case you missed it, this is what He did--He blessed His haters. Remember? "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do"? Luke 23:34

So a short letter to my Haters: I love you. I decree that God bless and keep you! May God bless you financially--bless your family--bless your children, and your children's children-- bless you on your job--keep you healthy--provide food on your table, clothes on your back and shoes on your feet--May He give you the desires of your heart--bless your going out, bless your coming in--bless you in the city and in the field!! May He enlarge your territory. May the Lord God bless you in every way, every day in ways that are abundantly and exceedingly more than you can dream or imagine!! AMEN!!

I've got one last thing to say and I'll let you go...In the words of my favorite poetress the Honorable Jill Scott:

You can try as you may, Break me down but I say
That it ain’t up to you, Gone and do what you do
Hate on me, hater, Now or later
‘Cuz I’m gonna do me, You’ll be mad, baby
Go ‘head and hate on me, hater
I’m not afraid of -- What I got I paid for!!
You can hate on me!!!

Thanks, Jill! I could not have said it better!
and Thanks God, there is no better example of a more excellent way!!
.
simply beautiful
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How Sweet It Is?

How sweet it is to be loved by you...that's one of my favs by Marvin Gaye. The lyrics typify blacklove. Yes, blacklove--all one word. Peep this.

I needed the shelter of someone's arms and there you were
I needed someone to understand my ups and downs
and there you were
With sweet love and devotion
deeply touching my emotion
I want to stop and thank you baby

Ah--yeah. That's what everyone's looking for. Sweet love and devotion.
But there is a dark side. I recently watch a documovie entitled "The Diary of a Tired Black Man"...a play on the title of the Tyler Perry movie...now 'documovie' is what I call it, not what the creator calls it.Check him out--Tim Alexander--he's on facebook, has a website, blog, and has a forum where you can contact him and continue to talk about the issue. www.tiredblackman.com

The issue is this: BLACK WOMEN ARE ANGRY.
Black women take this anger out on our husbands/boyfriends/partners/fiances...and why? Does it stem from our parent's relationship? Does it come from not having a father in the home while we were coming up? Why are Black Women so angry? We claim we want a good man--but when we find a good brother, why do we drive him away? and then keep Mr. NoGoodLazyTrifflingAzz NoJobNoAmbitionNoBathTakingMOFO? mmmm.

Mr. Alexander has a term for this condition--Angry Black Woman's Syndrome. Interesting. I have to admit, I've seen it time and time again. I always looked at it as a control issue. The woman does not want the man to wear the pants, she wants to wear them. She wants to control where he goes, what he does, who he's friends with, how the money's spent...etc. And Lawd--don't let him be remotely friendly or gentlemanly towards another female!! It's on and popping then! LOL.

I had to do some self examination here. As you all know simply beautiful is simply single, but she's wanting to get into a relationship--someday...But first I want to look at my upbringing, and my parent's relationship, and how that's affected me--before I go trapsing into a new relationship. I don't want to make someone miserable or be miserable myself when I don't have to be. I don't want to carry any luggage/baggage/crates/purses/makeup bags/change purses...nada...nothing negative into a new relationship. Only the love of God. So--looking at my upbringing...the way my mom and dad treated each other and still treat each other--I've found that I recognized some things in this documovie. Yeah--Tonya can easily be my mom. Always pissed--yelling and screaming about nothing--with an attitude from the pits of hell. My mom drilled into me as I was coming up--'don't depend on a man for nothing. Get your education, get you a job...buy your own house, your own car....' Good advice, I thought. As I got older, though, I realized that she never encouraged me to wait on God for my King. To trust God to send the right man to find me. To pray that I choose a man that will love, cherish, protect and support me. NOoooo-I never heard that. But I heard plenty of 'you ain't shit! You just like your daddy! and other insults and explicits...many, many others directed at my dad. So much so, that I had to wonder...if her husband is so bad...why she marry him? why she have kids with him? and why is she staying married to him? Yes, my mom is an ABW. She harbors bitterness, unforgiveness, and hate from many years of mistreatment from her husband. I'm not saying this is right or wrong..it just is. But, also look at this--this street is a two-way...she mistreats him, as well. And one of the hardest things to watch in this whole docudrama called Real Life--is that they are paying for mistreating one another...right here...right now...and don't even realize it.
Now, my dad's role in this is not the role James portrayed in the documovie. Although my dad's anger and blow ups with my mom were powerfully mean and full of hatred, he doesn't harbor or dwell on it. He let it go--and is "gone on 'bout his bizness" while moms is on slow stew. I can at least give him that. But, while he's in it...omg...it goes on and on...and on.
One thing that I've noticed in their 'relationship' is that in my mom's eyes, my dad couldn't do anything right. According to her, she has to take care of the bills, she has to take care of the house, the car, the kids, the dog...she feels that he doesn't deserve anything nice in life. She controls everything, she withholds things--money, a comfortable lifestyle, transportation, peace-- and hides food, hides mail, keeps important business informatiom from him. All that NONSENSE. And for what? She ain't seeing no gain from it at all. My sentiment is this: If you're going to go to those lengths to keep things from him--why stay married? AND the biggest problem I have with it is that...vengeance is the Lord's...not ours. And on his part, why would he put up with such mistreatment?! I see serious self-esteem issues on both of their parts!
Well, I had to make a decision. Will I follow in the footsteps of my parents when it comes to relationships? or will I seek a much more excellent way? I choose a more excellent way. You see, I almost fell into the same trap. When I dated my son's father, we got along very well for 4 of the 5 years. There were a few things that I didn't like early on, but I let them slide. Now looking back on it...I see that what he was doing really was a form of abuse. No, he never hit me...he never raised his voice nor cursed me out--(until our last year together). Yeah, at the time I thought he treated me well--and he did for the most part. But what I didn't see then as abuse--I clearly see it now. He had a tendency to lie, just make up things for the hell of it. He would ask his friends advice on how to treat me, or talk to me--instead of asking me how I thought or how I felt. He tried on the sly to manipulate what I did or didn't do. And he would tell me he would pick me up on this date at this time and never show up--and not only that, but not call for days afterward---hoping that I'd forgotten, or wouldn't be so mad. And my mom, knowing all of this, encouraged me to stay with him. She told me I was being too hard on him when he'd lied about picking me up for about the 3rd time. I was about to break up with him over it, but she talked me out of it. I look back at that and say 'why?' 'why would she encourage me to stay in a relationship that was starting out bad and only had the potential to get worse?' Because... Misery loves company.

I got out of that relationship, much later than I should have, but I got out and haven't looked back! Now I'm looking for better--no-- the best God has to offer! simply beautiful is asking God for a man who 1) Love's God. He's sold out and puts God first in his life. He trusts God, he prays not only for himself but for his Queen. 2) works. 3)has goals, dreams, and ambitions. And knows how to go about getting things done. 4) is smart. He's articulate..he reads..he writes. 5)loves women and has the utmost respect for his mother, grandmother, sisters, aunts and other women. 6) has love and respect for himself--how can he love me if he doesn't love himself? 7) he knows Whose I am (as well as Whose he is) and recognizes my value and worth. 8)loves kids (and animals, too--though this is not critical)
This time, my mom's advice will not matter--neither will my friends. Oh--I'll hear them out, because I want to be sure that I'm not walking into a bad situation and being blinded by love. But if he's treating me wrong--I don't like what he's doing--he makes me uncomfortable or uneasy about me just being me--then I walk. I won't listen to anyone telling me I'm being too hard, or that I need to give him another chance--If he ain't right, I'm taking it to God. And if God says, "Daughter, this man is for you", then I will stay. But that's what it's gonna take--God Himself will have to speak! LOL.

Diary of a Tired Black Man. Check the website -- www.tiredblackman.com
It's something to think and talk about--then follow up with action. Change what you need to change--about yourself first, then reach out. Crawl, walk, roll, run towards help. And remember--all of (y)our help comes from God.

Until next time.
Love, Peace, and Bacon Grease.

simply beautiful
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