How Sweet It Is?

How sweet it is to be loved by you...that's one of my favs by Marvin Gaye. The lyrics typify blacklove. Yes, blacklove--all one word. Peep this.

I needed the shelter of someone's arms and there you were
I needed someone to understand my ups and downs
and there you were
With sweet love and devotion
deeply touching my emotion
I want to stop and thank you baby

Ah--yeah. That's what everyone's looking for. Sweet love and devotion.
But there is a dark side. I recently watch a documovie entitled "The Diary of a Tired Black Man"...a play on the title of the Tyler Perry movie...now 'documovie' is what I call it, not what the creator calls it.Check him out--Tim Alexander--he's on facebook, has a website, blog, and has a forum where you can contact him and continue to talk about the issue. www.tiredblackman.com

The issue is this: BLACK WOMEN ARE ANGRY.
Black women take this anger out on our husbands/boyfriends/partners/fiances...and why? Does it stem from our parent's relationship? Does it come from not having a father in the home while we were coming up? Why are Black Women so angry? We claim we want a good man--but when we find a good brother, why do we drive him away? and then keep Mr. NoGoodLazyTrifflingAzz NoJobNoAmbitionNoBathTakingMOFO? mmmm.

Mr. Alexander has a term for this condition--Angry Black Woman's Syndrome. Interesting. I have to admit, I've seen it time and time again. I always looked at it as a control issue. The woman does not want the man to wear the pants, she wants to wear them. She wants to control where he goes, what he does, who he's friends with, how the money's spent...etc. And Lawd--don't let him be remotely friendly or gentlemanly towards another female!! It's on and popping then! LOL.

I had to do some self examination here. As you all know simply beautiful is simply single, but she's wanting to get into a relationship--someday...But first I want to look at my upbringing, and my parent's relationship, and how that's affected me--before I go trapsing into a new relationship. I don't want to make someone miserable or be miserable myself when I don't have to be. I don't want to carry any luggage/baggage/crates/purses/makeup bags/change purses...nada...nothing negative into a new relationship. Only the love of God. So--looking at my upbringing...the way my mom and dad treated each other and still treat each other--I've found that I recognized some things in this documovie. Yeah--Tonya can easily be my mom. Always pissed--yelling and screaming about nothing--with an attitude from the pits of hell. My mom drilled into me as I was coming up--'don't depend on a man for nothing. Get your education, get you a job...buy your own house, your own car....' Good advice, I thought. As I got older, though, I realized that she never encouraged me to wait on God for my King. To trust God to send the right man to find me. To pray that I choose a man that will love, cherish, protect and support me. NOoooo-I never heard that. But I heard plenty of 'you ain't shit! You just like your daddy! and other insults and explicits...many, many others directed at my dad. So much so, that I had to wonder...if her husband is so bad...why she marry him? why she have kids with him? and why is she staying married to him? Yes, my mom is an ABW. She harbors bitterness, unforgiveness, and hate from many years of mistreatment from her husband. I'm not saying this is right or wrong..it just is. But, also look at this--this street is a two-way...she mistreats him, as well. And one of the hardest things to watch in this whole docudrama called Real Life--is that they are paying for mistreating one another...right here...right now...and don't even realize it.
Now, my dad's role in this is not the role James portrayed in the documovie. Although my dad's anger and blow ups with my mom were powerfully mean and full of hatred, he doesn't harbor or dwell on it. He let it go--and is "gone on 'bout his bizness" while moms is on slow stew. I can at least give him that. But, while he's in it...omg...it goes on and on...and on.
One thing that I've noticed in their 'relationship' is that in my mom's eyes, my dad couldn't do anything right. According to her, she has to take care of the bills, she has to take care of the house, the car, the kids, the dog...she feels that he doesn't deserve anything nice in life. She controls everything, she withholds things--money, a comfortable lifestyle, transportation, peace-- and hides food, hides mail, keeps important business informatiom from him. All that NONSENSE. And for what? She ain't seeing no gain from it at all. My sentiment is this: If you're going to go to those lengths to keep things from him--why stay married? AND the biggest problem I have with it is that...vengeance is the Lord's...not ours. And on his part, why would he put up with such mistreatment?! I see serious self-esteem issues on both of their parts!
Well, I had to make a decision. Will I follow in the footsteps of my parents when it comes to relationships? or will I seek a much more excellent way? I choose a more excellent way. You see, I almost fell into the same trap. When I dated my son's father, we got along very well for 4 of the 5 years. There were a few things that I didn't like early on, but I let them slide. Now looking back on it...I see that what he was doing really was a form of abuse. No, he never hit me...he never raised his voice nor cursed me out--(until our last year together). Yeah, at the time I thought he treated me well--and he did for the most part. But what I didn't see then as abuse--I clearly see it now. He had a tendency to lie, just make up things for the hell of it. He would ask his friends advice on how to treat me, or talk to me--instead of asking me how I thought or how I felt. He tried on the sly to manipulate what I did or didn't do. And he would tell me he would pick me up on this date at this time and never show up--and not only that, but not call for days afterward---hoping that I'd forgotten, or wouldn't be so mad. And my mom, knowing all of this, encouraged me to stay with him. She told me I was being too hard on him when he'd lied about picking me up for about the 3rd time. I was about to break up with him over it, but she talked me out of it. I look back at that and say 'why?' 'why would she encourage me to stay in a relationship that was starting out bad and only had the potential to get worse?' Because... Misery loves company.

I got out of that relationship, much later than I should have, but I got out and haven't looked back! Now I'm looking for better--no-- the best God has to offer! simply beautiful is asking God for a man who 1) Love's God. He's sold out and puts God first in his life. He trusts God, he prays not only for himself but for his Queen. 2) works. 3)has goals, dreams, and ambitions. And knows how to go about getting things done. 4) is smart. He's articulate..he reads..he writes. 5)loves women and has the utmost respect for his mother, grandmother, sisters, aunts and other women. 6) has love and respect for himself--how can he love me if he doesn't love himself? 7) he knows Whose I am (as well as Whose he is) and recognizes my value and worth. 8)loves kids (and animals, too--though this is not critical)
This time, my mom's advice will not matter--neither will my friends. Oh--I'll hear them out, because I want to be sure that I'm not walking into a bad situation and being blinded by love. But if he's treating me wrong--I don't like what he's doing--he makes me uncomfortable or uneasy about me just being me--then I walk. I won't listen to anyone telling me I'm being too hard, or that I need to give him another chance--If he ain't right, I'm taking it to God. And if God says, "Daughter, this man is for you", then I will stay. But that's what it's gonna take--God Himself will have to speak! LOL.

Diary of a Tired Black Man. Check the website -- www.tiredblackman.com
It's something to think and talk about--then follow up with action. Change what you need to change--about yourself first, then reach out. Crawl, walk, roll, run towards help. And remember--all of (y)our help comes from God.

Until next time.
Love, Peace, and Bacon Grease.

simply beautiful
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Who is he and What is he...to me?

I just love this classic song by Bill Withers titled, "Who is he and what is he to you?" The storyline of the song is about a man and his wife who are out together and run into another man. The singer does'nt know him, but he feels that his wife does. He goes on to tell her that he's not dumb. He tells her that his intuition is that she knows this guy, and that she's 'too much for one man, but not enough for two'. In other words, he realizes that she's demanding and he's got to step up his game, but nevertheless, he ain't about to share his woman--she can forget that. It's a good storyline, isn't it? But it's not what this blog entry's about. I just pimped the title and tweeked it a bit.
What it is about is this: I am in the market for a companion, boyfriend, male friend...dare I say...husband. (Ew, now that's a word) Only God knows at this point. Anyway, I've compiled a list of the things I'd look for in a man.
My title is "Who is he, and what is he to me?" And using a subtitle of : How a man should love me as God loves me.
My man should be:
1. A gentleman-- a civilized, educated, sensitive and well-mannered man. He opens doors for me, he respects and honors me. He does not force himself on me.
2. Confident and sure of himself; having no uncertainty about his abilities. NOT arrogant—No, not at all. He knows his worth—he knows Whose he is and Who he is AND most importantly, Who HE is! He can change the oil in the car, mow the lawn, clean the house, do the dishes, do the laundry, and DO ME --and still be confident in knowing that he’s the man of the house.
3. A provider who supports me and accepts support from me. And he is a protector—a defender and a guardian.
4. He’s powerful. He knows all of his power is in his prayers and his praise.
5. There’s nothing he won’t do for me. Because he knows there’s nothing I won’t do for him. We got each others back.
6. Anticipates my wants and needs. Does this need an explanation? Well, I’ll provide a short one. He knows me well enough to know what I need—see numbers 1-5 and 7-13. He knows we need food, shelter, clothing. He knows I want affection and attention. He knows how to draw a nice hot bath, light some candles, turn on some soft music, and wash my back, and then….
And, not to worry...I get it AND I give it.
7. He shows and tells me that he loves me. He calls me, brings me flowers, takes me to dinner, displays affection in public, etc. every now and again.
8. He does not need a performance from me in order to earn his love.
9. He keeps his promises! His word is his bond. If he says he will, he does.
10. No one can influence his opinion of me in a negative way.
11. He is intimate with me. And not just physical intimacy. I describe intimacy as open and frequent communication, having close contact over a period of time, building my trust and confidence in him through words and actions, which will lead towards becoming endeared one to another.
12.He cannot disown me. I am a part of him/he is a part of me.
13. He covers me and doesn’t expose me. This one is real important. He will accept me, flaws and all, and cover me where I need it. He will not expose my short-comings (or my sins) to the world. He is connected to me/and I to him, and will allow his strength to conceal my weaknesses. He will sit on my secrets and not reveal them to my friends or to my enemies. He will provide a defense for my emotions, guarding my inner-most thoughts and feelings.
Is this too much to expect from a man? I don't think so, especially if he’s expecting the same in return. You see, I not only want to receive this kind of love, but to give it as well. Now I'm talking about “Old Skool Love”. I call it that Big Mama and Big Daddy loving from sun-up to sun-down kind of love. That Sunday evening- rain is gently pitter-pattering on the roof kind of love. That slow-roasted, flavorful, melt in your mouth-not in your hand kind of love. A love that is like fine wine— gets better with time. Yeah, that good love.
A man ought to reflect God's love when he loves a woman. God created man and woman to love one another--a woman is her man's helpmate. Woman was not taken from man's feet in order to walk on him or be walked on by him, nor from his head to be over him, nor from his back to be the tail, but from his rib, in order to be by his side. What two can walk together if they do not agree?
I'm ready to start walking...Now if I could only find someone to walk with...
Simply Beautiful