How Sweet It Is?

How sweet it is to be loved by you...that's one of my favs by Marvin Gaye. The lyrics typify blacklove. Yes, blacklove--all one word. Peep this.

I needed the shelter of someone's arms and there you were
I needed someone to understand my ups and downs
and there you were
With sweet love and devotion
deeply touching my emotion
I want to stop and thank you baby

Ah--yeah. That's what everyone's looking for. Sweet love and devotion.
But there is a dark side. I recently watch a documovie entitled "The Diary of a Tired Black Man"...a play on the title of the Tyler Perry movie...now 'documovie' is what I call it, not what the creator calls it.Check him out--Tim Alexander--he's on facebook, has a website, blog, and has a forum where you can contact him and continue to talk about the issue. www.tiredblackman.com

The issue is this: BLACK WOMEN ARE ANGRY.
Black women take this anger out on our husbands/boyfriends/partners/fiances...and why? Does it stem from our parent's relationship? Does it come from not having a father in the home while we were coming up? Why are Black Women so angry? We claim we want a good man--but when we find a good brother, why do we drive him away? and then keep Mr. NoGoodLazyTrifflingAzz NoJobNoAmbitionNoBathTakingMOFO? mmmm.

Mr. Alexander has a term for this condition--Angry Black Woman's Syndrome. Interesting. I have to admit, I've seen it time and time again. I always looked at it as a control issue. The woman does not want the man to wear the pants, she wants to wear them. She wants to control where he goes, what he does, who he's friends with, how the money's spent...etc. And Lawd--don't let him be remotely friendly or gentlemanly towards another female!! It's on and popping then! LOL.

I had to do some self examination here. As you all know simply beautiful is simply single, but she's wanting to get into a relationship--someday...But first I want to look at my upbringing, and my parent's relationship, and how that's affected me--before I go trapsing into a new relationship. I don't want to make someone miserable or be miserable myself when I don't have to be. I don't want to carry any luggage/baggage/crates/purses/makeup bags/change purses...nada...nothing negative into a new relationship. Only the love of God. So--looking at my upbringing...the way my mom and dad treated each other and still treat each other--I've found that I recognized some things in this documovie. Yeah--Tonya can easily be my mom. Always pissed--yelling and screaming about nothing--with an attitude from the pits of hell. My mom drilled into me as I was coming up--'don't depend on a man for nothing. Get your education, get you a job...buy your own house, your own car....' Good advice, I thought. As I got older, though, I realized that she never encouraged me to wait on God for my King. To trust God to send the right man to find me. To pray that I choose a man that will love, cherish, protect and support me. NOoooo-I never heard that. But I heard plenty of 'you ain't shit! You just like your daddy! and other insults and explicits...many, many others directed at my dad. So much so, that I had to wonder...if her husband is so bad...why she marry him? why she have kids with him? and why is she staying married to him? Yes, my mom is an ABW. She harbors bitterness, unforgiveness, and hate from many years of mistreatment from her husband. I'm not saying this is right or wrong..it just is. But, also look at this--this street is a two-way...she mistreats him, as well. And one of the hardest things to watch in this whole docudrama called Real Life--is that they are paying for mistreating one another...right here...right now...and don't even realize it.
Now, my dad's role in this is not the role James portrayed in the documovie. Although my dad's anger and blow ups with my mom were powerfully mean and full of hatred, he doesn't harbor or dwell on it. He let it go--and is "gone on 'bout his bizness" while moms is on slow stew. I can at least give him that. But, while he's in it...omg...it goes on and on...and on.
One thing that I've noticed in their 'relationship' is that in my mom's eyes, my dad couldn't do anything right. According to her, she has to take care of the bills, she has to take care of the house, the car, the kids, the dog...she feels that he doesn't deserve anything nice in life. She controls everything, she withholds things--money, a comfortable lifestyle, transportation, peace-- and hides food, hides mail, keeps important business informatiom from him. All that NONSENSE. And for what? She ain't seeing no gain from it at all. My sentiment is this: If you're going to go to those lengths to keep things from him--why stay married? AND the biggest problem I have with it is that...vengeance is the Lord's...not ours. And on his part, why would he put up with such mistreatment?! I see serious self-esteem issues on both of their parts!
Well, I had to make a decision. Will I follow in the footsteps of my parents when it comes to relationships? or will I seek a much more excellent way? I choose a more excellent way. You see, I almost fell into the same trap. When I dated my son's father, we got along very well for 4 of the 5 years. There were a few things that I didn't like early on, but I let them slide. Now looking back on it...I see that what he was doing really was a form of abuse. No, he never hit me...he never raised his voice nor cursed me out--(until our last year together). Yeah, at the time I thought he treated me well--and he did for the most part. But what I didn't see then as abuse--I clearly see it now. He had a tendency to lie, just make up things for the hell of it. He would ask his friends advice on how to treat me, or talk to me--instead of asking me how I thought or how I felt. He tried on the sly to manipulate what I did or didn't do. And he would tell me he would pick me up on this date at this time and never show up--and not only that, but not call for days afterward---hoping that I'd forgotten, or wouldn't be so mad. And my mom, knowing all of this, encouraged me to stay with him. She told me I was being too hard on him when he'd lied about picking me up for about the 3rd time. I was about to break up with him over it, but she talked me out of it. I look back at that and say 'why?' 'why would she encourage me to stay in a relationship that was starting out bad and only had the potential to get worse?' Because... Misery loves company.

I got out of that relationship, much later than I should have, but I got out and haven't looked back! Now I'm looking for better--no-- the best God has to offer! simply beautiful is asking God for a man who 1) Love's God. He's sold out and puts God first in his life. He trusts God, he prays not only for himself but for his Queen. 2) works. 3)has goals, dreams, and ambitions. And knows how to go about getting things done. 4) is smart. He's articulate..he reads..he writes. 5)loves women and has the utmost respect for his mother, grandmother, sisters, aunts and other women. 6) has love and respect for himself--how can he love me if he doesn't love himself? 7) he knows Whose I am (as well as Whose he is) and recognizes my value and worth. 8)loves kids (and animals, too--though this is not critical)
This time, my mom's advice will not matter--neither will my friends. Oh--I'll hear them out, because I want to be sure that I'm not walking into a bad situation and being blinded by love. But if he's treating me wrong--I don't like what he's doing--he makes me uncomfortable or uneasy about me just being me--then I walk. I won't listen to anyone telling me I'm being too hard, or that I need to give him another chance--If he ain't right, I'm taking it to God. And if God says, "Daughter, this man is for you", then I will stay. But that's what it's gonna take--God Himself will have to speak! LOL.

Diary of a Tired Black Man. Check the website -- www.tiredblackman.com
It's something to think and talk about--then follow up with action. Change what you need to change--about yourself first, then reach out. Crawl, walk, roll, run towards help. And remember--all of (y)our help comes from God.

Until next time.
Love, Peace, and Bacon Grease.

simply beautiful
.

Black Love at its Finest

Hey Y'all. What's the what? I just read a headline about the media's take on Black Love. In particular, the media is 'flabbergasted' by the fact that the President and First Lady actually love each other and have a good marriage. Imagine. Who would've thunk that black folk actually have relationships based upon mutual love, trust, honesty, and respect? The headline leads me to think that the media believes all black folk do is cuss, cut, and kill each other. Can't we all just get along?

Yes, statistics show that the black family is in trouble. Statistics also show that single black women are heads of household and raising children alone, more than any other race. 70 percent of African-American families are headed by a single woman, either never married or divorced. I know. I'm one of them. I chose to stay single and pregnant over being miserably married.

But, in my world, I feel the norm for the African-American community is to be married with kids. How could the media miss that? As I was growing up, I knew many married couples; happy, loving couples and raising happy, loving families--like The Jacksons, The Chandlers, The Thompsons...not to mention my Grand-parents, and my Great-Uncles and Aunts. Granted, the difference may be that my parents generation and those before them married, and stayed married. But the generations that followed either never married, or married, divorced, and remarried or remained single. But, even that is not the point.

The point is that African-Americans are looked upon as being different. We have always been ostracized and patronized and all other -ized in between... What I'm getting at is that America and the rest of the world thinks that black folks do not respect the institution of marriage nor uphold the family and family values. Truth be told, I believe family values originated in the black community. I know black men who love and respect their wives, who support and nurture their children, and are involved in their communities. Not all black men are walking around with their pants hanging low, involved in drug dealing, gambling or other illegal activities. I know hard working men, at General Motors, at Sealy Mattress, at McDonalds and Church's Chicken even. Military men, Men who pastor churches, mentor boys without fathers at home, and feed the hungry and homeless. Good, God-fearing men. They don't have a lot of money, but they love God, family and country.

And Black women. We always get the short end of the stick. We're not all Hottentot, child support seeking, gold-diggers looking for the next rap video in which to star. We work hard, too--loving our good Black men, raising children, biological or not--working at AT&T, Lockheed, Taco Bell or Popeye's chicken. We serve in the local church, mentor young girls, and volunteer to make our communities better. We are God-fearing women who respect our Black men as heads of household, protectors, and leaders. We may not have all that we want, but we sure know how to appreciate what we have.

A word to the media--PAY ATTENTION: Black woman speaking here. Stop looking at African-Americans as an uncouth race of people. We love each other--hard. Yes, as a people we have serious problems. But look at our history. We've always been a people who place God first, family next and job third. That's been our m.o. for hundreds of years now. And if you have need, which you must, here are some examples of loving Black couples--

Dr. and Mrs. Martin L. King, Jr.

Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee

David and Tamela Mann

and don't forget--Malcolm X and Betty Shabazz, Magic and Cookie Johnson, and of course Barack and Michelle Obama!! These couples exemplify Black Love at it's finest. And they are...

simply beautiful!!