Happy Birthday, Carlton!!

June 22, 1961- June 16,2007

How Does it Feel?

pictured here are Carlton and simply beautiful (about 2002)

I dedicate tonight's Graduation to my big brother, my mentor, my friend, my number one encourager-- Carlton. I love you!! R.I.P.

How does it feel to finally get something that you've been working towards for quite a while? That's the question I'm asking myself. How does I feel? I've been working towards a Bachelor's degree for a while now. And in approximately 3 1/2 hours from now I will officially receive a Bachelors Degree in Arts and Sciences in Sociology from Texas Wesleyan University, Fort Worth, TX.
I know, I know--people graduate all the time. Someone graduates felt they never would have made it. I'm sure there are more heartfelt stories than mine. But I still had to take the time to reminisce over the last two years especially. I'll go back to June 2007. During the spring, I'd applied as a transfer student but wasn't sure if I'd be admitted. I did fair at my previous school, but my first college experience was a failure. But, I'd heard from God that this would work out so I had to keep the faith. I got the call one Wednesday afternoon in early June that I'd been admitted. I shared the news with my brother who was ill at the time. He was so happy for me because he knew of my dream to return to school and finish my degree. The next Sunday, he went into the hospital. Early Saturday morning, he was dead. My whole world went into a tailspin. Never did it occur to me, not once did I consider not continuing my education because of my loss. The thought didn't cross my mind, because Carlton would have wanted me to go on.
So tonight's victory is not just for me--but for my big brother. Tonight I walk across that stage to show death that it has not won. Death comes to steal, kill and destroy. Death tried to steal my joy, kill my purpose, and destroy my dream. But God said "NO!!" And so in this situation, death still has no victory, it has no sting. (paraphrase John 10:10 and 1 Cor 15:55)
Tonight I proudly walk across that stage and accept my degree and remember that I made many, many sacrifices, none of which I regret. I passed up on going out with friends and family and as a result lost some friends--they didn't understand that I was in pursuit. I placed my love life on hold--I've delayed travels and vacations-- I sacrificed mid-week and Sunday evening church services and activities. I've even sacrificed eating and sleeping. But all of the hardship, working a full time job, being a full time mother and student, starting my day at 5am, late nights writing papers, reading homework assignments and finally ending my day at 1 or 2am, just to begin again at 5am.--times when I did not know where the bill/tuition/book/grocery money was coming from, not knowing if I had the physical or mental strength or the knowledge to even start or complete a project or a paper...all of the sacrifice has been worth it for this one night. Tonight when I will proudly walk across the stage, I will know it's because I persevered, I belong, and I deserve it.


simply beautiful

Big Brotha

The other night I had a dream. I was looking for you, but I knew you wouldn't be there. I tried to tell myself this in my dream, but I had to look for you anyway. Happy Thanksgiving, Big Bro. It's my 2nd one without you. Someone one said it would get easier as times goes on...but whoever said that...well I don't think they ever experienced real grief. I miss you. There has been so many times within the last 2 years that I've wanted to pick up the phone and call you. Or just drop by your house and have a cold glass of tea. Many times I've almost asked my mom, "have you heard from (my brother)? I haven't heard from him lately, and I wonder how he's doing?" I have to stop myself because I know that she's missing you, too. I don't want her to hurt anymore than she is already.
There's so much I wish I could share with you. Like how your nephew has grown taller and slimmed down. How he's becoming comfortable in college. How he's progressing in his music, both singing and playing the keyboard. One of our last conversations, I was able to tell you that I'd been re-admitted to college. I'll never forget how happy you were for me. I wish I could tell you that I'll be graduating May 2009. I never thought I'd be graduating without you. But, I'll save a ticket for you anyway, as though you'll be there.

I miss him giving me advice. I miss our dinners together. I miss his laugh. I miss him just chillin' at the house with candles burning and music playing. I miss you Big Bro. You left me too soon.

The Word of God, tells me in one of my favorite passages, In All Things Give Thanks. So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'd like to acknowledge that I'm thankful and that God is good. I give thanks to God for having a big brother who took care of me so well. I thank God for precious memories. I thank God for the love of family and friends who are filling the void. With that being said, God is in control and everything is everything. Big Brotha, we will meet again.

Special note: I wish to thank all who have helped me to deal with the loss of my brother. It's not my style to actually name names-- but, I'll break the rules this one time.
Thank you Matt, Eric B., Darrell, Dawn, DeShaun, Donna, Eric L., Kaliah, Kat, Lynette, Paula, Shelia, Tonii, "T", and Vincent. Each of you have been so good to me. You've shown you care--each of you at different times and in different ways. You continue to show me love, give a shoulder to lean on, and remind me that, although in life there's joy and there's pain, life does go on. Thanks for helping me make it through each day. God Bless and
I love you. simply beautiful