Living Single

Hey Y'all!! It's simply beautiful a.k.a. diamond in the ruff..sho nuff..talking stuff..too tuff not giving no bluff! LOL. Did that take you back to the '70's? LOL. I had a cousin that used to talk like that when I was a little girl. He used to tickle me. If you asked Dewey how he was doing...he'd come at ya with--"Flipping but not flying. Flying but not high"...some mess like that...I don't remember because I was too busy laughing!!

Okay, 'nuff of that! Today's topic is...Living Single. as a Christian. in 2009. wanting to date...but 2 scared. So you see why I didn't put all that on the title line. LOL. Where do I start? Well, let me get my disclaimer out the way. The part of me that's talking today is 'Diamond in the Rough'. She's straight-forward, shooting from the hip, may be right, may be wrong, but this is the truth as she sees it.. this is how she feels. Be patient with 'diamond' cuz Gaaawd is not thru with me yet!! I AM..With that said...I am a Saved, Single woman who is wishing to date a saved, single man. I even have one in mind. We attend the same church--I'm attracted to him, and he's attracted to me.

It's all good, right? Well, the only problem is approaching one another. He won't approach me. I think he wants me to approach him. That's not a problem....riiiiight? MMmm. I'm not so sure. You see, I don't want to look like a little trollop ho-monkey chasing a man...in church..in front of God, the Pastor and the Mother Board. So what do I do? Wait? I've been waiting! Say "hello". Yep--done that too. He's got the message. So what next? I'll revisit this one another time.

So...moving along... Say we get over this 'approach one another' hump? And we start to date. Thus my question. What is the proper way for a Christian couple to date? My Pastor has thrown out a couple bones...he says something like --make sure 'brother-man' takes me to a nice restaurant. No Chili's, no Johnny Carino's because I can do that myself. He needs to be sure to take me to a $50.00 per plate venue. Uh--really? And don't let 'brother-man' pick me up at my home. I drive myself to the restaurant, he drives himself--we meet there, have dinner, drive to our respective homes. Okay. That sounds good. But what else? I mean...really. I ain't trying to break a brother. I know I'm a healthy sistah, but I don't want to spend every date going out to eat. And even at that, $50.00 a plate would be a once in a while thing. I like other things too. like a walk in the park, going to live plays, live music--church musicals, jazz, etc. I like art shows, basketball, movies, arcades. I like the Main Street Art Fest each April in downtown Fort Worth. I like book fairs, shopping, car shows---I have a variety of interests. And regarding this dating thing I have a variety of questions. For example, 'Is it okay to hold hands? I would think so. I think it's sweet to see a couple holding hands. It's a gesture of intimacy without being lewd. How about kissing? OOOOoo I miss kissing. And I don't mean that brother/sister kiss on the cheek. And how much further than kissing is okay? Now, don't get me twisted....'diamond' is celibate and has been for a minute--okay longer than a minute--much longer. a really, really long minute strung together into years. okay. And she intends to stay celibate, because I'm a Lady. And as a Lady, I want to keep myself. I want to keep myself for my own self-worth. I want to keep myself for my future man. But most importantly, not only for myself and for my future man...but for God. Because God's word says: What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? 1Cor6:19 (KJV).

Don't you feeel the eruption? Can you tell the questions are just rising up? Can't you just see the 'but'. Yeah. Well here it is. But, what about these desires that I have? What about the longings I have? I love having a man's arms around me. I miss having a man touch me. I want someone to kiss, to hold and to love. I don't like being single, alone and lonely. (And yes please, I'd love some cheese with this whine!!!) What about these issues? It has not been totally easy being single and celibate for all of this time. The church tells us singles that in order to be 'good Christians', we MUST NOT have sex outside of marriage. I got that. We MUST NOT masturbate. I got that, too. We MUST stay clear of any thing and all things sexual. Okay, then what can we do? Others begin to see the singles in church as asexual. WRONG!! Many of us are NOT ASEXUAL. For those who don't know, asexual is individuals who do not experience sexual attraction, experience little sexual attraction, or lack interest in or the desire for sex. THIS DOES NOT DESCRIBE ME!! NO WAY!! Believe me, I have needs, I want sex. I cannot just flip a switch to turn off the desire to be intimate with the opposite sex. But church singles are treated as though we are satisfied, or should be satisfied in our situation. And don't get me wrong...some of us are. To each his/her own!! I was satisfied with not being attracted to anyone, for a while. But something about that changed. And for those like me, those who are very sensual individuals-- what do we do? Did I hear someone say 'Pray'. That's a good answer. A very good answer. Prayer works. Prayer changes people and prayer changes things. I've done the prayer. Now what? 'Trust God for a mate?' Yeah. Doing that, too. My mate is on his way. So, what next? "Wait on God". Yeah. I'm waiting....and waiting....and waiting. He's an on time God. No doubt. My time is not His time. I'm not making excuses. It seems like it when I say what I'm about to say next, but really no excuse... But I am human. And as a human, I have needs and desires. Is that wrong? I mean...God gave me the desire for companionship, the longing for love, and a sex drive...right? Right. He sure did. What do I do with these desires until my man comes and we date and decide to get married? Will I really burn in hell for self pleasuring? Should I resort to finding a friend with benefits? Now really, honestly, I don't want to do either--but I've got to release this sexual frustration somehow!! And exercise? Really, how much exercise I can get before I start to look like the Incredible Hulk?

And one last thing. This is the one thing that really gets me. Married folks who talk to singles about 'refrain from this and refrain from that'. Yeah, right. How you gonna tell me to refrain and you're getting your sexual needs met on the regular? How you gonna tell me to hold out and hold on and be a 'good Christian' if you ain't been where I am? And if you can't feel me on this---then I don't want to hear from you. Let me hear from someone who knows. For I believe the Word of the Lord and I know that there's gotta be something else besides sexual frustration for the Christian single over 30. There's got to be. The desires get stronger...and want to take over...I and many singles like me, need help.

God, please, are you listening? We need help!!!

I need help!!

simply beautiful's inner girl-- diamond in the rough. sho nuff.

If sexing him is wrong....show me a more excellent way. I want to be right.
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Good Morning, Sunshine!

An email conversation with my cousin "K" this morning.

from me:
G' morning, Sunshine! What's up? How was your weekend? Mine went well. Let me tell you what happened yesterday...I had someone flirting hard with me at church. My son was sitting next to me and he picked up on it before I did...and then when we got home..little man was LIVID!! Girl, I ain't never seen nothing so funny...I mean, my son was HOT!! Reminded me of the movie "Baby Boy" when tyrese mama was dating old dude. (LOL)..my son was ranting "why he have to sit so close?and this guy was trying so hard to get your attention!...blah...blah"
So we talked last night on the way back to school....he actually shut down on me...he say he's not mad at me...he just didn't want to talk about it. I guess he finds it hard to believe that someone would find me attractive. I told him that no matter if I decide to date or whatever--my love for him doesn't change. I'm kind of torn..yeah, I want to see this guy--but I don't want my son feeling like he's gonna be left out..I didn't date while he was coming up because I didn't want him getting attached to someone and then the relationship not work...any suggestions? I'm praying...

"K"
(Now )as for this situation with your son.. Quite naturally he is going to react like that because it has only been the two of you for so long!! However, you have done a fine job in raising him and he is in college doing what it takes to become successful. It is time you did some things for yourself.. Your son has been your boyfriend and son for far too long!If it were me I would explain t and reassure him that your love for him will never change but there is nothing wrong with you having a guy friend.. And move on.. One day He’s going to find someone that he likes too and move on.. Then what.. life and time will have passed you on by..Girl please I know that’s your baby but you need to get out SERIOUSLY!.. Let me tell you I have a friend situation kind of similar..She and her son were always together did everything together most like you and your son..He was her date when she went to the movies etc. and What’s crazy is she had a man for the most part… I mean the guy she was dating I think they met when her son was about 13 so up until then it was just them.. Even after she met this guy she and her son still did almost everything together and when they all started living together then it was the 3 of them doing everything together..To make a long story short… when her son got of age and moved away with his girlfriend she was hurt.. She and the guy have split up some what for other reasons but because she has no life outside of them she is now at home alone and lonely…. Nothing wrong with having great love for your son/kids but hell at the same time there’s nothing wrong with dating and you should not let your kid stand in the way of that especially when he’s damn near grown! You have got to find time for yourself and mingle because kids move on and get over things..Trust me..

me

I appreciate your response. I know I told him the right thing. I explained to him --when he comes home for the holidays, he'll go out with his friends and leave me at the house alone. The first time I was a little mad--I had to check myself!!...but I got over it--I mean, he's entitled to going out with friends and so am I . I don't want him up under me all the time !! I also told him that one day he'll find someone special..whether dating or marry...and then what does he expect me to do? Just sit around and knit? ...No --I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone! I want companionship too. He thinks its all about sex... I guess that's one thing men worry about... their own mothers having sex...I can relate. I think he just needs time to adjust to the idea. I'd been telling him about this guy flirting with me--and he told me it was my imagination..he really put a guilt trip on me... but no more..he saw for himself that I'm not chasing this guy...he's chasing me! And I'm glad it happened that way..my son just needs a little time to let it sink in...then I'll start dating. But I ain't giving him a lot of time...just a week or so--smile--Thanks for your input. You should continue to date and do your thing! Your kids have each other to keep company. If I would have had more than one child, I think I would've dated also. I chose my route --though difficult...I don't think I would change it. I have to remember, I told God that I'd wait until my son is older and able to take care of himself before I would move on with my personal life..and He granted that. So, I can't complain.

"K"
Yeap I agree totally.. and you’re right it’s just the reality of having to adapt to the idea that probably hit hard.. I mean it’s a huge and sudden change so who wouldn’t be concerned about their mother.. It’s natural.. But it’s up to us as mothers to make sound decisions as to how we are going to handle these type situations.. So when you gonna go on a date? And what was this guy talking about Sunday.. are you attracted to him? Have you told aunt Bobbie about him?

me
OMG!!! Dang!! all the questions...Is he gonna have to get your stamp of approval too? LOL...will answer the rest in a second....too busy laughing right now!!!!

"K"

YEAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Na gurl!! I know you enough to know that you wouldn’t waste your time with trash so I’m sure he’s a nice guy. What’s so funny? I’m serious and curious!

me
You just had all these questions at once. I didn't think I'd have to get your approval too.
Yeah...he's tall and slim...yes, I'm attracted to him..not talking about much--just chit-chat and we don't have a date yet. What I'd like is for them to get along and be comfortable being around one another.

in closing...this is the conversation I had with my cousin this morning concerning a young man at church who has been flirting with me for quite a while. My son had been telling me that it was my imagination and that this guy could not possibly be interested in me. I know that my child loves me and that he has my best interest at heart. I'm his first girl--and my cousin is right..he has been my substitute date for many years. But I don't regret the time I've spent with him. I believe we are very close as a mother and son. I encourage my son to talk to me about ANY and EVERY THING. Sex, girls, cars, clothes, boobs, vaginas, penises, guys, music, religion, family issues, drugs, war, politics, guns, pornography, homosexuality, HIV/AIDS, condoms, menstrual cycles...hell...we've talked about it all and then some. So it was very alarming to me when he would not talk to me about this subject at all! There's only a couple of things I can do.
1) is Pray. and 2) is give time, time.
So while he's trying to wrap his mind around the idea of his mom dating again...I'll be dating.
Thanks "K" for being open, honest, a bit brutal, but all true. Girl, you are the shiznit!!

simply beautiful--
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Waiting on God?

Recently, I've been listening to the Steve Harvey (in the a.m.) and Michael Baisden (in the p.m.) radio shows. And both just happened to talk on the same topic on the same day--Christian women waiting on God for a man. Well, both said they think Christian women are foolish for waiting on God to send a mate. This attitude really rubs me the wrong way. OK, wait..wait..let me explain. I don't totally disagree with them, because they made good points. They both said that the reason women can't find a suitable mate is because of the vibe she's sending. MMMmm. the vibe. I really have to admit that I cringe when I hear a woman say, "I'm waiting on God to send me a man". Yes, it's good to wait on God, but what are you doing while you wait? Because what you're doing (or not doing) causes Steve and Michael to say, 'Christian women are just sitting by waiting on God to send a man and it just don't happen that way.'
The first reason I'm chaffed is because I'm convinced that nothing happens by chance. God is control of everything. He knows our needs, our wants, and our desires. Women tend to either sit idly by waiting on God to drop a man from the sky, or go to the other extreme-- chasing everything that wears trousers, turning over every rock, looking behind every bush, and shaking every tree hoping to hit the 'man jackpot'. And hit it before girlfriends and cousin 'nem do. I really feel sorry for both parties. Women are lost, trying to find what she's not meant to, because Scripture says: He who finds a wife finds a good thing (Proverbs 18:22). And then the poor man is often caught unawares. Imagine, an unsuspecting brother visiting a new church on Sunday, looking to get his praise on. He steps into the church lobby and all of a sudden he's bombarded with a 'sea of overabundance'--the over-abundance of bountiful breast-ta-sees and well rounded bootys dressed in shiny, sequined, low-cut, see thru, too tight clothes. It's a shame to see normally sweet, reserved sisters-- upon the sight of an unattached male visitor-- turn into 'stalker women', winking, smiling, flirting, and downright macking right there in church in front of God, the pastor, and the mother board. These women think just because he walked up in church, 'this must be a good man.' They don't know diddly about where the brother's been, what he's been through or what issues the brother's dealing with--and they really don't care--they just want a man-- by any and all means necessary.
My best advice is this. Chillax, spend some time in prayer AND wait to hear from God. Pray without ceasing! Invite God to be your Husband. Love on Him. Bless Him. Worship and give Him praise. And He will give you peace. He'll calm your fears. He'll open doors for you and pour out blessings that you won't have room to receive. God's in the blessing business and He knows where you are. It's really just that simple. Wait on God. But, while you're waiting, go to work. Get yourself together. Work on your finances, work on your relationship with God, your relationship with others, and work on loving yourself. So pray, wait, work, and then get involved. Get busy in your local church. Volunteer in your community. Get a social life-- go out to dinner, to the movies, and get-togethers with family, friends and co-workers. Because God won't magically place a man at your doorstep, but you might meet him at the mall. God won't drop a man in your lap, but you might meet a good-looking man while at a gathering with friends. God won't draw you a map highlighted with 'you'll find him right here' and drop it down on your dining room table, but you might meet someone special while in line at the dry cleaners. Get the point? Be found working, being social, and living life to the fullest. Take good care of yourself--dress up and put on your make-up, like you already have a man. Do it for yourself! Keep a standing appointment with your hairdresser, get your nails and your toes did, and wax that unwanted hair. Let him find you with your sh*t together. Be a beauty queen before you meet him, that way he'll know what he's to maintain. (And the same goes for the man you meet---don't take on a man as a project that you have to fix up...but that's another blog entry...mmm...I need to get to that!!! LOL)
So to Steve and Michael, I agree with you to a certain extent, brothers. But I counter with this...she'd better wait on God! Because working in self or listening to friends is dangerous. Many a misguided woman has been through plenty of avoidable heartache and pain in the form of a man who is a compulsive gambler, a womanizer, an abuser, or even a killer. A woman's biggest mistake is not allowing God to speak to her about His plans for her life.
And to women who think waiting on God is all there is to do--I counter with this. Don't put life on hold because you don't have a man. Cultivate some interests and get involved. There's sports, politics, religion, travel, the arts, education and many other things to keep one occupied. Become a well-rounded woman. Make sure your conversations aren't limited because all you know is your job, church, television, and the latest gossip. And just remember, if God made a promise to you concerning a mate, then He will see it through. Because who God has for you, is for you.

A Conversation with a friend

I had a conversation via email with a friend today. She has an 'advice column', and I'm going through a little something so I decided to ask her opinion. Little did I know that she would be so insightful. For your reading pleasure, here is our talk. To keep things simple, she's "DOC"

Thanks Doc! here's my dilemma-- there's this guy that I like...and he likes me..but it seems both of us are terribly shy...can you give me a way to approach him that won't make me look like a wayward tramp? I must mention that we see each other at church...he's in the ministry and close to the pastor too, so I have to tread carefully...

DOC: I would say just to be yourself and one day after church ask him if he would like to get lunch or supper one day. Or just reference something he did that day. If he responds in a way that will lead to conversation then suggest something outside of church where you all can talk. As long as you don't say something like ' the gates of heaven are between my thighs' you'll be good to go.


sounds good. I just needed a third opinion. you may post my question if you please...just protect the guilty. and for the record no...I wasn't thinking about saying anything like that. LOL. although, somehow I don't think he'd mind me saying it. he's holy...but he's still a man. LOL.


DOC:Don't I know! My biological and my stepdad are preachers. I have seen and heard a lot of stuff. One thing I know for sure. If a minister is interested in someone he is extra cautious. Nothing like the jezzabels in the church to teach you to be careful.


mmmm. very interesting. I hadn't thought about it from that perspective. Yeah he seems extra cautious.. very selective and very slooow. I guess it's all good, though..being a private person myself, I don't want my business all over the church either. I just wish there were a handbook on how to date in church. I know what to do if I were in the world...but being in church is very different...or is it?


DOC: Not really. You just have to be very aware. EVERYBODY is watching. People are much more agressive in church. You know what I mean. If he starts being around you the other woman will try and make themselves be more available. It all boils down to how you two will handle it. If God has sent him to you he will be for you and no random chic can stop that.


yeah...that's what I kinda figured about other women. He's very much in the 'spotlight' so to speak--so I'm really surprised that no one's chasing him already. My pastor's very vocal anyway, so I know that he(my crush) knows to tread lightly. I appreciate your words of encouragement. I've been running from this whole thing for several reasons---and now I'm beginning to understand that it may be meant to be --because he's so persistent. He definitely is not taking instruction from me! So he must feel that I am the one for him. mmm..See, I'm glad I asked you. I'll be walking around with my head in the air the rest of the week! LOL


DOC: GO AHEAD HONEY!!! they maybe chasing him but he doesn't see anyone but you! Give a little extra twist of them hips when you walk! My aunt and I talked about being a preachers wife on Friday night. I said I am not my mother, "turn the other cheek and be nice all the time." My aunt isn't eaither and she is a preachers wife. She cuss like a sailor. I am saying this to say, do not stop who you are. Be strong for you. If this progresses to that level, be a strong woman and wife first. The women who proclaim to be holy... are really HO-ISH! God will reveal all.


girlfriend. you are too funny! omg. I feel like you have been watching the whole thing play out. you are so on the money --girl...

DOC: No joke, I am a seer. I don't tell people that.

I should have known...what you've said to me-I've been 'hearing in my spirit' for a while...but like I said, just running.so i will take your advice, approach him like a lady with an invite to lunch or something and see where that goes.

DOC:.Yes ma'am.

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So, there you have it. What do you think? Is she really on the money? We'll see.

Will I ask him? or will I chi-ck-en out?

simply beautiful