Taking the Journey to He who is Within

As I go along, I often find that my life and what I write will intertwine at times. This is one of those times. I'd set 11 goals for 2011 and I am well on my way to fulfill them. Number one of the list is to believe...or have faith. A great faith. More than faith the size of a mustard seed. I need a big faith. Like Abraham's faith. Or Moses's faith.
You know, Hebrews eleven and one faith. For by it the elders obtained a good testimony. (Hebrews 11:2)
So let me tell you what's happened. I said in my last entry that one should "go back to those you've wronged or you feel have wronged you-- apologize and set things in order, because you believe." So if you were wronged or were the one to do someone else wrong doesn't matter--go and apologize and get the relationship straight. Well, I feel that I was wronged by some family members several years ago. Ever since that happened I decided to 'isolate' and 'insulate' myself from them. I just get tired of being taken advantage of, looked over, and looked at like I'm crazy. So I just declined any invitations to have dinner or otherwise be involved with family members. Well, you've got to know me. I'm big on family. I'm the one who organizes events and invites people to this and that.
So what's happened is, one of my aunts emailed me last week and said that she's concerned that she has not seen me for a while ( almost 2 years) and that she misses having me around. She told me she loves me and really extended the olive branch. She said that we need to get together and just chat..we could have breakfast or lunch, or dinner...or go for some drinks...catch a movie...go to church...or even go to a club...(now that's stretching it) whatever-- just as long as we get together. Now I was moved by this, but if you know anything about simply beautiful, you know she's skeptical. Is Auntie just trying to set me up to tear me down? again. Or is Auntie really extending an olive branch, 4 really real? I have to admit, I cried and cried the day I read the email. This doesn't usually happen to me. I'm the one who plays 'mediator' between disputing folks. I'm the one apologizes for wrongs real or imagined, whether I did wrong or I am the one who was wronged. I'm the one who tries to 'do the right thing'. But not this time. I was just too hurt. And I didn't even realize how hurt and angry I was until I got her email. I'd been walking around all this time acting like I'm impenetrable, and all strong and nothing gets to me. I lied when I just said I didn't know it. I knew it. I just didn't know the hurt ran so deep. Now, I'm not used to this...I didn't even know how to respond because I'm usually on the other end of things. I'm used to people steamrolling over me and getting up with a smile saying, 'I'm okay'. I'm good". Not any more. I have to admit that I'm hurt and I'm angry and get this monkey off my back so that I can move forward. I couldn't believe that someone was actually coming to me to say 'sorry, I did you wrong. Let's make amends'. At first, I didn't know what I was going to do.
Well, I thought about it for several days after I got the email and finally came to the conclusion that I will take a chance. I love my Auntie. We'd always had a very good relationship--we love the Lord, we love family, we enjoy a lot of the same activities, and some even say we look alike. And also, it dawned on me. I have to live the life that I write about. How can I suggest that you believe and have faith, that you allow God to be God in your life, that you go back and set things in order if I'm not willing to do the same?
So...here I go. Taking the journey to forgiveness, to love, and to He who is within.

simply beautiful